Dr. Strangemom (or, how I learned to stop worrying and love the blog)

If The Smoke Clears

The air quality in Portland is 502 today.

I have no idea what that means scientifically, but I can tell you that it feels apocalyptic.

I am in a state of mind somewhere between heartland stoicism, urban investigative curiosity and coastal denial. I follow the air quality numbers like a day trader on coke, yet I do not look out the window. 

Not that I could see anything if I did look out the window. No visibility. All smoke. Fire. Covid. Racism. 

That night, a million years ago, when Trump won, my son Zach said to me on the phone, "Well, democracy is over." And I told him that he was being an alarmist.

If he was, he comes by it honestly. Alarmism runs in the veins of a few of our family tree's leaves. During the pogroms in Russia, it worked for us because it got us the hell outta there. In the 21st century, however, with no pogroms from which to flee, the alarmist siren in me tends to go off at somewhat less urgencies. Like when I run out of vanilla coffee creamer. Or I lose my phone.

Until now.

Yesterday, I was talking to Zach on the phone and I apologized for calling him an alarmist that election night. I said, "but, fuuuuuck, did you ever think it would be this bad?"

He answered, "Yes. What do you think fascism looks like?"

And I looked out the window.

Fascism is not just a word or an insult or an easy way to describe authoritarianism. Fascism, I see now, is a breakdown of everything. No safety net. No one answering phones in federal offices. No prisoners to fight the California fires because the prisons are Covid incubators because the Republicans in power aren't doing a damn thing about the pandemic. Fascism is no response from the motherfucking president when the Oregon governor calls him over and over again, needing relief for our state. Which is unlivable right now. We are choking over here.

I have never felt so expendable in my life as I do today.

Fascism is not orderly like a parade of goose-stepping brownshirts; it's chaotic. It's right-wing vigilantes stopping evacuees in their cars because they believe that antifa is starting the fires here and they - ignorant, crazed, armed - have given themselves the power to search us for suspicious items in our cars.

So, no, Zach was not being an alarmist. He had read history. 

And it breaks my fucking heart that my child, my children, your children, all of us are seeing it all play out in 2020. I hope we understand that the unraveling didn't start in 2020, however. Or in 2016. Or before that. Unraveling is a slow process, requiring patience and strategy. It can fly under the radar until it's nearly complete.

November is around the corner and now, so many displaced West coast residents from the fires, I worry how those people will vote. How will they get their mail-in ballots? This just adds to the plethora of voter suppression tactics going on in the country.

Fascism.

And I am against it.

I am ANTI fascism, you ugly knuckle-dragging, uneducated, spittle-spewing, unAmerican, puffed up, wanna-be action figures with accessories sold separately.

Being against fascism is the most American thing a person can be.

So when the smoke clears - if the smoke ever clears - and I can return to being terrified and enraged by the fact that there is a runaway pandemic over us, that babies are still in ICE jail, that black lives still do not matter, that our natural resources are still in peril, that education is still being Betsy'ed to death, that our social infrastructure is still cracking under the federal leadership of hate and greed, well, then I am going to go outside (wearing my mask. Because God is not going to protect me from Covid. God is so over all the asinine declarations about Her works. The one where the MAGAs credit Her for bringing Trump to them has really pissed Her the fuck off), and start screaming again.

Louder this time.

 

 

Notes From The Joint

Well.

I've just been sprung from Facebook jail. Gimme a minute to take a shower, change outta the orange jumpsuit and pull the cigs I stashed in my vagina.

It wasn't my first time in the joint. The first time it happened I was so sad, but that was many incarcerations ago. Facebook jail doesn't scare me anymore. I'm practically a Preferred Visitor. This time I demanded a Kosher meal. Just to fuck with them. I asked for a nice piece fresh fish. And then I sent it back because the smell was iffy.

HAH. Zuckerberg can throw me in the slammer but once I'm there, he is my bitch.

Anyway.

Why was I in FB jail this time, you might ask?

Well, it is some moist and stinky bullshit going on over on FB with determining hate speech. Because, as it turns out, hate speech is in the eye of the beholder of the power.

Dig this: everyone I know who has been put in FB jail, all my incarcerated brothers and sisters, we have one thing in common: we all posted something critical of our country, our president, or our race. None of us posted against people of color, of immigrants, LGBTQ or any religions. None of us had used profanity in the post that got us busted. Which, come to think of it, might have been what triggered FB to notice me: the glaring lack of profanity. Unprecedented.

The last time I was in FB jail, the time before this time, I had posted: God, I hate white people. 

It was kinda a joke. Kinda. Because, frankly, we are a horrible people.

Anyway, before you could say, Flu Klux Klan, I was disappeared from FB.

The time before that, I had posted: Americans are the worst.

Boom. Jail.

When I was sprung after that time, just to test my emerging theory, I posted this: Italians are the worst.

Nothing.

So I tried: Green people are the worst.

Nothing.

You know what came next, right? 

"Jews are the worst." And then I hit, "Post".

Nothing from FB. Not even a warning. Guess it's fine to post that kind of shit.

But just try to post, "White America sucks," and all of a sudden, it's hate speech. 

And you wind up behind bars, with no one to hear what you have to say except your imaginary fellow inmates.

Good thing I've been workshopping my new prison material this year in the high school pool shower after water aerobics. You know those jokes about not bending over to pick up the soap, the ones that caused my fellow communal showerers to finish up quickly and scurry outta there, sometimes with conditioner on their hair and soap in their eyes?

Yeah, well, I killed with those jokes in jail. 

 

 

 

 

 

Aging In The Age of Aging, Part One

 

In just a few more months, I will be getting Social Security money! Every month! For free! For doing nothing!

America, amirite? 

God, I hate Republicans so fucking much. We'll get back to that in a moment.

When I was young and I thought about social security, I envisioned an ancient, arthritic, gnarled, ill-tempered old lady with her bra around her waist and stockings rolled to her knees.

Well, say hello to me.

Two of my arthritic fingers cannot straighten up without assistance from the other fingers (I tell people it's because I've played guitar for fifty years but it's probs from the decades of overuse, showing the bartender how much tequila to pour). 

The ill-tempered thing? Got it covered. My secret is that my jeans are too tight.

And as for the bra around my waist, well, that's not from being too lazy to pull it up to my boobs. It's that my waist is WHERE MY BOOBS ARE NOW. You know, the mountain(s) went to....you get the idea.

If you follow me on FB, you are aware that I have given up underwire bras until we have a Democratic president. We each have to do our part in the Resistance. Life is too painful under this Mofo regime as it is, and anyway, I was certain that imma going to die of bra underwire. One sharp gasp and clutch to my breast at reading the latest headline about babies in ICE jail or killing the forests and POP! The wire breaks through the bra and ...Wacoal stake to the heart. 

The only way my newfangled no-wire bralette is gonna kill me is the cost.

Which brings me back to social security. There are a few things about getting old that are just plain old awesome. If you are financially solvent. And healthy. And white. 

I have aged out of Pap smears. Did you know this is a thing? Evidently, I'm now mature enough to be in charge of the welfare of my own cervix. It feels a little bit premature, truth be told. I don't feel ready. I've never taken care of a cervix before. When I was five, I kept forgetting to replenish the water for the little turtles we got on Olvera Street and they all died horrible deaths. How can I be trusted with my cervix? (Does it need to be watered?) Honestly, if the medical community is listening, what I'd prefer is that you guys keep a watch on my cervix and I will monitor my weight gain.

The other day, Robin and I had the dogs at the park. Louie and Phila present very well - they are attractive and well-groomed and not too Poodle-y, you know what I mean? Anyway, people complimented us on them (as if we had designed the Poodle) and then asked the inevitable question: "what do they weigh?"

Dudes.

That is SUCH a rude question. 

I thought they were asking it about me, at first. Like, "Hey, that's a good looking wife you got there. What does she weigh?" Or, "She's a big girl, isn't she? What does it cost to feed her?"

And Robin could answer, "Well, she eats a lot of table scraps in addition to her meals. She's such a beggar."

And then I would fart.

And they would laugh and shake their heads because everyone knows that 65 year old women cannot digest chicken skin.

What was my point?

Oh, right. Republicans.

I really hate them.

 

 

 

 

Choose Your Own (Feelings) Adventure - Claire and I Explain It All

Claire and I talk every day. Well, not talk, per se, because we both hate phone calls. We will avoid them at almost any cost.

It's really the defining quality of our enduring professional and personal relationship. That, and our love of salt over sugar.

Our conversation this morning was about anger. Not at each other, of course, we would NEVER be angry at each other; it was about how sick we both are of people calling for niceness. And understanding. And, God help us, compassion.

Yeah. 

Fuck that shit.

If you can read about children being separated from their families, kept in cages, and not feel anger, if you can watch Mitch McConnell and his minions shit on the Constitution, if you can listen to Donald Trump say, well, pretty much say anything, and not feel angry, then fuck you. You have lost the ability to know when anger is appropriate.

My therapist assures me that anger is a completely normal and rational response to some situations. I'm pretty sure she would assure me of it, anyway,  if I had stayed in therapy.

It is not wrong or unladylike or “just like them” to be pissed off. REALLY pissed off. But in a sea of “If You Can Be Anything, Be Kind” tee-shirts, a person can get confused. 

 

Claire and I have, therefore, written a handy cheat-sheet for you. 

 

                                                      LET IT OUT, OR LET IT GO? 

                             ~ A primer of appropriate responses in the time of Trump, by Claire LaZebnik and Ann Brown

 

Your child spills their milk all over the table and even into your purse which wasn’t supposed to be lying on the table but you thought it would be fine there for THREE MINUTES. 

DON’T GET ANGRY

Your kid is just a kid and we’ve all spilled stuff. It happens. Be a good sport. Send a donation to CASA.

 

A presidential candidate openly mocks someone with special needs in front of the entire country and people laugh with him. 

GET ANGRY

This is indecent and wrong and disgusting. It’s despicable. Send a

generous donation to whomever is going to run against Trump in November.

 

Old white state senators decide women shouldn’t be allowed to get abortions in their state, and insist that women who’ve been raped should have to go through with an ensuing pregnancy

GET HEADBANGING LOSE YOUR SHIT ANGRY

If men could get pregnant, there’d be an abortion clinic on every block. They have no right to dictate a woman’s choices. Send a donation to Planned Parenthood.

 

Your husband leaves his socks on the floor even though you’ve asked him not to

GET PEEVED, NOT ANGRY

It’s annoying but it’s no biggie. Still, you are welcome to put the dirty socks inside his pillowcase. Or quietly pin them to the back of his shirt before he leaves the house. And send a donation to a homeless shelter.

 

POTUS doesn’t even know which state is which and tweets congratulations to the wrong state after the Super Bowl.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO GET ANGRY ABOUT THIS UNLESS YOU’RE FROM MISSOURI OR KANSAS. OR UNLESS YOU CARE THAT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS A MORON WHO DOESN’T FUCKING KNOW THE CITIES AND STATES OF THE COUNTRY OF WHICH HE IS PRESIDENT. Donate some more money to the Democratic candidate for next November.

Your invited guest brought their dog with them to your house without asking first.

DON’T GET ANGRY

Come on, it’s just a dog. Give it a scritch. But the next time they’re coming over, say, “Don’t bring your dog.” And send a donation to the Humane Society.

 

 

Mitch McConnell ignores the rule of law and any ideas of compromise or fairness and takes advantage of a slight majority to ignore bills from the Congress, acquit a president of crimes he clearly committed by refusing to let witnesses speak, and put very partial judges in power positions

GET SO FUCKING ANGRY YOU VOMIT UP YOUR LUNGS  

He’s destroying our country in front of our eyes. Send more money to Amy. And maybe a nice Edible Arrangements fruit bouquet. We want her to stay nourished.

 

People in power vilify those who are already marginalized--anyone who isn’t white, Christian, cis-gender or straight. They try to turn these vulnerable Americans into scapegoats and blame any issues in the country on them.

GET ANGRIER THAN YOU’VE EVER BEEN BEFORE

Fight the bastards. Donate to the ACLU.

 

Kids are put in cages and treated like prisoners

GET SO CRAZY FUCKING REDHOT ANGRY YOU REFUSE TO BE FRIENDS WITH ANYONE WHO SUPPORTS THIS BARBARIC FASCIST REGIME 

Take to the streets. Fight. Resist. Donate to RAICES.

 

Your book club group picks a book you didn’t want to read and SAID you didn’t want to read

GET ANNOYED 

Quit book club and use the time to get out the vote for the Dems. Then go home and read a book YOU want to read. Discuss the book with yourself. Agree to disagree.

 

Someone says, “If we could all just stop being so angry at each other . . .”

RIP THEM TO FUCKING SHREDS AND EAT THEIR BONES FOR DINNER. And,um, donate, don’t donate, it’s okay. Just please don’t hurt us.

 

You read an announcement that - thanks to Trump and his minions -  all the environmental regulations that were put in place over the last few decades to keep our water and earth safe and clean have been overturned and businesses can pour their poisons wherever the hell they want.

If you don’t know the answer by this point, you are pissing us off.

GET ANGRY. And donate to all the environmental protection organizations.

 

Your writing partner refuses to use the tab button no matter how many times you tell her to.

DON’T GET ANGRY. I’m trying my best, Claire. Remember I’m old. And I have cataracts. And send a donation to me, because you were just mean to me. I think fifty bucks should unruffle my feathers.

. 

Your writing partner passively aggressively shames you about forgetting to use the tab button.

 DON’T GET ANGRY. BUT PRETEND YOU ARE SO SHE WILL FEEL BAD.

And then buy one of Claire’s books. She’s not a charity but she could use the support, especially with Ann making her feel bad about everything.

(But we digress...)

You should be angry right now. Really really angry. 

And not just at those in power--also at those who don’t look past their own bubbles to see how many people are suffering because of this administration and how much injustice is being allowed and how many dangerous people have been given power . . . anger can be fuel for doing good.

So get angry at anyone who isn’t fighting for basic human rights in this country. And turn all that red hot anger into donations, canvassing, marching, phoning, volunteering, and fighting for sanity and decency.

Or stay calm and sit on your ass. We can’t stop you. 

But we are going to be so mad at you . . . 

    

I

It's All Over But For The Hat

Well. Here we are.

 

History has been written. Republicans have betrayed justice, betrayed truth and betrayed the Constitution. 

 

When the House voted to impeach, I posted an old joke on FB about a grandma who takes her grandson to the beach and he is swept away by a wave. The grandma pleads with God to return the child to safety.

She says, "Please God, I will never ask for anything else. This is all I want - my baby grandson to be safe. Please, I'll never ask for anything more!"

A big wave returns the child to shore, safe and happy.

The grandma hugs and kisses the boy and then looks into the Heavens and speaks to God.

"Thank you, God. How can I ever thank you--oh, wait. He had a hat."

 

Yeah, that. 

 

All I wanted, I said, was that history would record the travesty that is the Trump administration. Even though I knew the Republicans would never vote to impeach. Or allow witnesses. Or pay attention to what the managers were saying. Or not sneak in their phones, or eat or chat with each other. I knew that justice would not prevail but that didn't matter, I said; all I wanted was to get it on record that Trump is a criminal and his cronies are dirty.

 

And now, it's on the record. I'm thankful for that.

 

(Beat)

 

But wait, God. He had a hat.

 

Turns out, I want more. I want a Senate vote for impeachment.

 

I cannot believe that at age sixty-five I still secretly hope the good guys win. How embarrassing for me. You'd think I'd have aged out of that kind of magical thinking by now. Evidently the dark cloak of cynicism I wear has fairy dust and pink tulle sewn into the lining.

 

Hope and optimism don't fit well on me. I'm big boned. I prefer the comfortable elastic waist of unmeasured snark. 

 

But despite my best efforts to the contrary, I still harbored hope for our country. When Jerry and Val spoke, I felt strong. When Sylvia spoke, I felt heard. And Zoe - oh, Zoe Lofgren, her name alone is a fluffy blanket, a cup of tomato soup and two Xanax - Zoe made me feel we're in good hands.

 

And when Adam Schiff took the mic? My God. I had to change my underpants. Truth to power is hot.

 

Those Democratic impeachment managers brought intelligence, reason and strength. There were some really great moments of good and light. 

 

I will most likely survive this, even if - Heaven forbid, spit three times and spin to the East - Trump wins the next election. I'm not as vulnerable as many in this country which is why I will scream loudly and point fingers. Lucy Van Pelt is going to be my spirit animal. 

 

So.

A fresh pair of Dr. Scholl's gel pads for the marching, new glitter pens for writing postcards to Virginia, and a double refill of Prozac. The Resistance is regrouping.

 

We leave at the crack of noon.

Bring a hat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love Minus Zero. With Limits.

Everybody's talking about love.

Well, fuck that shit. I'm gonna talk about hate. 

Specifically, my hate for Donald Trump.

I am not new to hating presidents; I've protested against them, campaigned against them, boo'ed them in person, drew Hitler mustaches on photos of them, and allegedly threw my apple core at one of them as his motorcade passed by although it was never proven no matter what that reactionary Nixon-loving asshole standing next to me told the authorities. 

But Trump.

But Trump.

This is a level of vitriol, hate, disgust I have never reached before.

When my sister and I were young, we lived next door to a family whom we declared our arch enemies. Such was the depth of hate that fomented in four-year-old me that every once in a while, just for sport, I try to find any of them on Facebook. You know, just to work myself up.

This neighbor family was deserving of our enmity. They were racists, they were war hawks, they slammed the door in my mom's face when we went door-to-door campaigning for the California Fair Housing Act in 1959. And although those were reasons that my parents disliked them, we - my sister Karen and me - took the issues deeply to heart and made our mission to make them - the three kids - pay for the sins of their parents. 

Oh yeah, shit was real in North Hollywood.

I hated those kids with the red hot burning passion of a thousand suns. For years, we waged The War (as Karen and I called it). We sabotaged their lawn, we broke their bikes, we got into screaming fights and chases with them, and more than once, we stole their lunch boxes at school and threw them in the trashcan.

The War was on after school, on weekends and summer vacations. It went on for years. We had no plan, no exit strategy, no support from our allies, nothing that Colin Powell's Doctrine of War would have advised us to do. It was our 'Nam.

One day, the dad of the family yelled at me and shook me by the shoulders because I told his kids that Barry Goldwater was an idiot and anyone who voted for him was also an idiot. I also told the kids that there is no Santa Claus which, as far as I knew, was a far worse thing to say and I wondered for a long time why that wasn't the transgression that brought his shitstorm on me.

When MY dad found out what the neighbor had done, he blew out of our house and stormed next door.

Karen and I, watching from our front porch, couldn't see what went on inside their house but we heard the mom screaming, "Mr. Brown is killing your father!" These words were indelibly printed onto my brain not because my dad - who had never raised a hand, EVER, in anger - was kicking the guy's ass, but because in my progressive, liberal family, nobody was referred to as, "Mr." or "Misses", we called everyone by their first name. It made me giggle. Mister Brown.

An observer - maybe that asshole who reported me for throwing the apple core at Nixon - might have deduced that I found it funny to see someone being beat up, but the observer would be wrong.

The neighbor was calling my dad, "Mr. Brown." 

While he was kicking her husband's ass.

Tell me that isn't funny.

Anyway, the incident pretty much laid to rest my roiling rage at the family. Oh, I still hated them and the kids were still horrible little shits who - and this is a verifiably true story - put our CAT in their garage freezer. (We rescued the cat. He lived, happily, to a ripe old age.) Karen and I still organized neighborhood chases and rumbles but that's mostly because the soundtrack to "West Side Story" had recently been released and we were obsessed with it. Chasing them was an opportunity for me to hone my choreography, pirouette-ing and gran jete-ing my way down Laurel Canyon Blvd, crouched low, snapping my fingers. Wearing my flowered corduroy pedal pushers and rubber-toed PF Flyers.

Bad to the (chicken soup) bone.

If my dad were alive today, and if he could kick Trump's ass, would I feel as free of the gripping fury that clutches at me every time I read the news as I did when he punched out a racist asshole neighbor?

Probably not. Because violence doesn't solve anything and blah blah blah blah blah blah. 

And because Trump would just claim that HE kicked my dad's ass. And he'd doctor a photo of my dad with a broken nose.

And his mofo minions would swear to the lie.

And I'd be mired in disgust and hate for them all over again. And I can't handle more hate than I already have. I swear I am going back to eating white starch carbs because scones and baguettes don't lie or put babies in cages or start bullshit wars to distract from impeachment hearings.

Anyway, as it turns out, my dad had already been itching to punch the neighbor because he had caught the guy peeping into my bedroom window from his backyard. The guy was a creepy sicko perv.

Huh. A racist who was also a perv. Where have we heard that before?

Gonna grab my tennies. I feel a dance sequence coming on.

 

 

 

 

Unsubscribed: A Novel

If I put half as much time and emotional truth-digging into my actual writing as I do into answering, "why do you want to unsubscribe to our emails? (optional)", I'd be a successful writer. 

HAHA. No, I wouldn't. But I'd get a lot more writing done.

HAHA. No, I wouldn't. 

That question they ask when you unsubscribe - "WHY IN THE NAME OF HOLY GOD WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THIS TO US?" (maybe that's just how I read it) - cannot be answered briefly. I cannot ignore it. They want to know. They deserve to know. I'm not going to just ghost them. I'm not an asshole. When you break up with someone, you gotta own it.

At least with JJill and Nordstrom Rack, leaving isn't personal. I have enough white linen, is a truthful answer, albeit not one they want to hear. And I always mention the myriad items I've bought in the past that I still love, lest they worry they've let me down. My theme is more of, it's not you, it's me, as if though their clothes are too good for me and I'll only bring them down.

Unsubscribing from the important stuff, however, is torture. 

I just broke up with OxFam. OxFam. The drought in the Horn of Africa people. And the National Wildlife organization. I'm a monster. But, but...but the EMAILS!

I also unsubscribed from Julian Castro this morning, although I don't even know how I got on his email list in the first place. 

I unsubscribed from Ditch Mitch even though ditching Mitch is a priority with my money. I just hated seeing his stupid name on my email list.

I cut it off with HIAS ("Welcome The Stranger"), and then went crawling back because those photos of the children. And what kind of person won't welcome the stranger? I unsubscribed from RAICES and re-subscribed literally two minutes later. Then I sent them a generous donation to make up for my brief transgression.

I'm willing to do a lot for the Revolution but deleting thirty or forty emails every morning from organizations that are doing important, essential work - work that literally saves lives - is hard. I feel so bad. I swear, I promise to donate money every week if they would stop sending me emails. Especially the ones that have subject lines like, "Hey Ann, I've really missed you..."  I always fucking fall for those. And then, I'm all, "who the hell is Brian?" until I see the organization's logo. And then I wonder if any of my old boyfriends really do miss me. And then I feel sad.

I unsubscribed from the HRC emails but now I send them money because I was worried that unsubscribing was a microaggression against them. And it wasn't. It was only about the emails. Which I notate on my donations - "take the money, leave the emails." I think they appreciate humor.

Leaving ActBlue was super hard because they already have all my financial info and all I ever had to do was click once on "donate now". It was so easy! But I want to choose the candidates I support and - as I explained to them in the third page of my answer to their optional, "why are you unsubscribing?" - I feel more connected to the struggle when I know who is getting my money. I explained that my relationship with money is complicated, probably born from my dad never wanting us to go without because he was so poor as a child that his parents fostered him out to live with neighbors.

Their response - "thank you for your response"  - seemed like they were already starting the healing process with me.

So I emailed them back with an idea for a slogan: Act Blue With Your Green. 

I haven't heard back from them yet about it.

It's so hard waiting for emails.

 

The Facebook Issue

I probably should leave Facebook. 

I mean, I would never go to, say, Chik-Fil-A or Home Depot. Our family didn't eat a single grape or head of iceberg lettuce between 1965 and 1971. Not one. I've never crossed a picket line, never voted Republican, never ate Welch's grape jelly, never went to Knott's Berry Farm and I have never, ever, not looked for the union label. 

I've only had one La Croix soda since recently learning that they are right-wing reactionaries, and that was only because it was at a party and I was so thirsty from all the chips and I wasn't, technically, giving La Croix my money.

Also, afterwards I felt really bad about it.

And as I've always told my kids, the important thing is that you feel bad. 

Feeling bad about ourselves is what makes us know we are good.

At least that's how it works for Jews and Catholics. The rest of you, I have no idea. I do not understand the sanguine ways of your people. You, who post, "Life Is Good" memes on FB. Really, what IS the fuck with you?

So, Facebook. What to do?

If I exit Facebook to express my disagreement with their politics, then how do I express my disagreement with the politics of people who are on Facebook? 

I sure as fuck am not going to start calling people on the phone. I haven't avoided answering my phone for all these many years just to have to depend on it for human contact. I once had an outgoing message on my machine that said, "Hi, I'm home now so please just leave a message and hang up."

Must I go door to door, asking people their opinions and then, I don't know, circle their porch three times  waving a mozzarella cheese stick, saying, "I block thee, I block thee, I block thee" if they think the problem with America is too many immigrants taking our jobs?

It could be satisfying, I suppose, doing my little ritualistic excommunications everywhere I go. And I do love cheese.

The grand gesture, however, is not my thing. I'm not the type to fling my cape around my shoulders and exit stage left in a huff.

I'm more the type to eat a whole box of Wheat Thins and get diarrhea.

I blocked someone on FB yesterday. She had an opinion that vexed me, and I was in a shitty mood on account of the sun being out and I had to be indoors, and so I just blocked her entitled ass.

It felt so good.

A cheese stick could not possibly give me the same high. 

So for now, I'm not leaving Facebook.

But I feel really bad about it. 

Which is the important thing.

 

This Old Vag

Hi.

So, you know how I'm dead inside, right?

I had, however, a momentary breath of life this weekend while flipping through the latest O Magazine at the grocery store.

You know how I hate Oprah, right?

Well, not hate her as much as reject her notion that we should all live our best lives. Our BEST lives? That sounds exhausting. I live my life at two-thirds, tops. And that's with two cups of strong coffee every morning. Frankly, I don't even believe that Ms. O is living her own best life anymore, unless there is crack in those WW cauliflower faux noodles she's eating. No one can be that gung-ho on life. 

I mean, for fuck's sake, Trump is the goddamn president of the country. None of us is living our best life. Well, Ivanka is. But she feeds on the blood of humanity.

I don't live my BEST anything. It's my insurance against Death. I'm like the Winchester Mystery House - if I l achieve the goal of living my best life, then I will surely die the next morning. So staying alive requires that I power down to two-thirds. Less enjoyment, and more years of it. It's a Jewish thing.

Read your Torah. The Book of Kvetch And Vexation. 

I'm checking out O Magazine at the grocery store on Sunday and I notice an article on having the BEST menopause of your life.

I take momentary stock of my own menopause. Was it best? I scan the article to find out. Suddenly, I need to know.

I see mention of a thing called, "vaginal rejuvenation." Keepin' it young and robust.

Vaginal rejuvenation. 

And I'm thinking that if I could choose only one thing to rejuvenate, it seriously would not be my vagina.

My vagina might be my, say,  the fifth thing I'd rejuvenate. After world peace. And justice for all. And Jello 1-2-3, because that shit was seriously magic.

My vagina is as old as I am, as Goddess intended. We grew up together. We traveled the world together. We faked orgasms together. We have history. And now, in my doddage, I don't want to be hopping around on my arthritic 65 year old sticks, trying to keep up with my whippersnapper 25 year old vag.

A rejuvenated vag is gonna be a demanding vag, the way I see it.

For one thing, I cannot imagine that my young vag is going to be happy with underpants that are older than she is.

So, godspeed to Oprah. I mean it. You go live your best life in best health and attitude. Zie gezunt, as we say in the Book of Sarcastic Blessings. 

I put O back on the shelf and choose a copy of "Prevention" magazine. There is an article on having robust poops. I laugh so hard, my old vagina almost falls out.

They Tried To Make Me Atone But I Said No No No

~A New Song For Yom Kippur

(or, what I am doing with my time instead of learning the new music for the High Holydays which start in, like, a minute)

 

They tried to make me go atone

But I said, "no, no, no"

Yes, I've transgressed

But I’ve confessed

So now you know, know, know

 

I’m cool with my past, and I get hungry when I fast

They tried to make me go atone, but

I won't go, go, go

 

 

I'd rather be at home with a drink

Cook you shellfish and a pork sausage link

'Cause there's nothing gonna save me when I pray

And I’ gonna be cremated, anyway

 

You try to make go atone

But I say, “no, no, no.”

#ImdefogoingtoHell

#JewsdontbelieveinHell

#sohahahahahah

#heywhatsthatlighteningboltoverme?

#drstrangemom