Not Yet Atoned and Effaced And Ready To Push

Here we are.

 

The final two days leading up to Yom Kippur and the end of the High Holydays.

 

I'm at about 54% atoned and 30% effaced (hahaha, I love that joke EVERY year), but I seem to be stalled here, despite the fact that I am in active atonement. That Lamaze atonement breathing ("oy oy oy!") just isn't cutting it this year. Maybe my transgressions are breach.

 

I get stuck on the whole forgiveness thing. It's the word, I think, that bugs me. "Forgiveness" can mean something different to each of us, of course, but the pervasive goal of forgiveness seems to be, "let it go".

 

And I am not down with that. Not at all. Not gonna let it go.

 

Transgressions - real ones, not the penny-ante shit like accidentally saying "oh fuck me" in front of a young child, or pretending you compost, or telling your husband the coffee is real when it's really decaf because you are pissed off at him and want him to have a headache. Or regifting an ugly vase or a stupid pair of socks you got for your birthday. Not those.

 

I mean the big transgressions.

 

Like, you know, being a racist or a homophobe, or, say, taking PART IN AN INSURRECTION or promoting one, or believing that your gun is above regulation, or banning books that tell the truth about history, or bullying or going to Chik-Fil-A even after you've learned about their homophobic policies because you just really like their chicken, or voting Republican even though the party stands for things you aren't necessarily in favor of, but you want the tax advantages or you believe that a Republican vote saves Israel. Or that Israel is beyond reproach. Turning a blind eye to the oppression of others in order to save our own status quo is a big motherfucker transgression in my book.

 

I am not going to forgive those who do those things. And if that means I didn't do Yom Kippur successfully, then so be it. Cue the lightening bolt. I'm right here.

 

Right here. Feet in the stirrups. Sucking down the ice chips.

 

Tradition says that the Book of Life is closed and sealed at sundown on Yom Kippur, and all of our past deeds will become part of our Permanent Record. And if my permanent records from high school are any indication, under my name in The Big Book, there's gonna be a buttload of "unsatisfactory" marks in Attitude and Cooperation.

None of us is beyond reproach, to be sure. And I'm willing to own up to my shit (except all the snarky shit I say about people. But I'm gonna work on that this year. In fact, I have already decided to not be snarky anymore about this one particular person who really does bug me. And believe me, I am giving up some REALLY funny snark about them. Some kick-ass bon mots. Down the toilet.)

 

Breathing and panting my way to Sunday night, one unsaid snarky comment at a time. Slow and steady.

 

Now I've always prided myself on having a natural atonement, but if things don't get moving soon, I'm totally asking for drugs.

 

Forgive me.