Dr. Strangemom (or, how I learned to stop worrying and love the blog)

Phila and Louie Are Assholes, Part One

Thursday, 5:21 am

Act 1

Phila and Louie: Bark bark bark bark bark

 

Me: (Ignoring them)

 

Phila and Louie: Bark bark bark bark bark

 

Me: No!

 

Them: You don't even know what we want.

 

Me: Doesn't matter. You kept me up until after midnight, worrying

about fireworks. I need to sleep now.

 

Louie: (under his breath) What a bitch.

 

Me: HEY! You can't call me that word! We talked about that.

 

Louie: I was talking about HER (nods at Phila).

 

Phila: (snorts) Good save, Lou. (to me) He can call me that, you

know. Because I am one. Lit'rally. And proud of it.

 

Phila and Louie: Bark bark bark bark bark

 

Me: No, I'm not taking you to the park now.

 

Them: Bark bark bark bark bark

 

Me: Let me sleep.

 

Them: We discussed that, and, no. Bark bark bark bark bark

 

Me: I'll give you a treat if you let me sleep.

 

Them: What kind of treat? Because that cheap ass Milk Bone shit

isn't gonna cover it.

 

Me: That's the exact same treat Bud the mail carrier gives you,

and you do tricks for him to get it. That's why I bought

them. Fuuuuuuuuck.

 

Phila: Ann. Language.

 

Louie: Dollar in the swear jar.

 

 

5:27am

Act 11

Louie: Bark bark bark bark bark

 

Phila: Bark bark bark bark bark

 

Me: No.

 

Phila and Louie: This is something different. We swear. It's really

important!

 

Me: Okay, what?

 

Them: WE WANT TO GO TO THE PARK! HAHAHAHAHAHA.

 

Me: Fuck you.

 

Them: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

 

Phila: Also, language.

 

 

5:41am

Act 111

Me: Stop staring at me.

 

Them: Your eyes are closed. How do you know we're staring?

 

Me: Your hot breath is on my face.

 

Them: Technically, you don't know we're staring at you. We could

be staring at, say, that gargantuan spider on your pillow.

 

Me: WHAT? (Jumps out of bed, screaming) Where?

 

Them: HAHAHAHAH. Made ya look. HAHAHAHAHA.

 

Me: Where is the damn spider??????

 

Louie: Oh, we said, "...we could be staring at, SAY, the spider..."

You know, as an example. Not for reals. Jeeez, literal

much?

 

Me: I'm going back to sleep.

 

(beat)

 

Them: Bark bark bark bark bark

 

Them: Bark bark bark bark bark

 

Them: Bark bark bark bark bark

 

Me: Shut up. I'm not taking you to the park.

 

Them: Bark bark bark bark bark

 

Phila: Hey! "Park" and "Bark" rhyme!!!

 

Them: Park! Bark! Park! Bark! Park! Bark!

 

Phila (into a megaphone): What do we want?

 

Louie: PARK!

 

Phila: And how do we get it?

 

Louie: BARK!

 

Phila ): What do we want?

 

Louie: PARK!

 

Phila: And how do we get it?

 

Louie: BARK!

 

Phila : What do we want?

 

Louie: PARK!

 

Phila: And how do we get it?

 

Louie: BARK!

(Curtain)

 

 

Epilogue

6:43am

Phila: What do we want?

 

Louie: PARK!

 

Phila: And how do we get it?

 

Louie: BARK!

 

Phila : What do we want?

 

Louie: PARK!

 

Phila: And how do we get it?

 

Louie: BARK!

 

Me: It's been over an hour. For God's sake. You are assholes.You

are total assholes. Now I can't even get back to sleep if you

did shut up.

 

Them: Cool. So.....the park?

 

Me: No. NEVER.

 

Louie: (coughs into his paw) Bitchsayswhat?

 

Me: What?

 

Raucous laughter from the dogs.

THE END

Louie and Phila are Assholes, Part Deux

 

ACT 1

3:59 am

Phila and Louie: Bark bark bark bark bark.

(beat)

Phila and Louie: Bark bark bark bark bark.

(beat)

Phila and Louie: Bark bark bark bark bark.

 

Me: I'm ignoring you.

Louie: Are you still mad?

Me: Yes. Go away.

 

4:12 am

Phila and Louie: Bark bark bark bark bark.

Louie: Are you still mad now?

Me: Yes.

 

4:13 am

Phila and Louie: Whisper bark, stare, mumble, BARK

 

Me: You are both Very Bad Dogs. VERY. BAD. DOGS.

 

Louie: But are you still mad?

 

Me: Yes. Go lie down. Leave me alone.

 

 

4:14 am

Louie: We're really sorry. Aren't we, Phila? Phila? Say we're sorry.

 

Phila: Yeah. Sorry. Whatev.

 

Me: How long have you two been listening in on my parenting

classes? Do I give a shit about gratuitous apologies?

 

Phila and Louie: No, you don't. (Reciting) "Apologies are nothing

but convenient 'get out of jail free' cards. Apologies without

a plan of action for how to do it better in the future are

bullshit."

 

Me: And...? So?

 

Louie and Phila: So, we are sorry. So don't be mad anymore,

okay? Okay? Okay?

 

 

4:19 am

Louie: Okay?

 

Me: What's your plan to make better choices next time?

 

Phila: Next time you open the garage door so I can use the

outside stairs to get into the living room because the inside

stairs are too scary and hard for me because - (looks

meaningfully at me) I AM OLD AND INFIRM and I have

slipped on them and it could have KILLED me - I will go

directly up the outside stairs and come into the house

through the front door, like you told me.

 

Me: Instead of.....?

 

Phila (sighs): Instead of running down the street at 3 in the morning and

making you chase after us, barefoot and in a tee shirt and

no bra and old ratty underpants that fall down when you

run so you have to hold your boobs in with one hand, and

your underpants up with your other hand while you ran.

 

Me: Go on.

 

Phila: While you ran all the way down the block in the dark,

whistling for us.

 

Me: That's right.

 

Louie: And we scared you because you thought we ran away and

we were never coming back.

 

Me: (Under my breath) I wasn't scared. If I didn't find you by the

time I got to Highway 43, I was just gonna go back to bed.

 

Louie: WHAAATTT?

 

Me: I said what I said.

 

Louie: You'd abandon us? That's triggering. I'm a rescue.

I HAVE ISSUES. (Nervous doggie yawn)

 

Me: (Stress headache, sleep deprivation headache, irrational

anger at the lovely sound of the wind chimes)

 

 

ACT 11

Me: Fine. I wouldn't abandon you. But, Phila, you can fucking

go up the indoor stairs from now on until you can prove you

aren't gonna bolt as soon as I open the garage door for you.

 

Phila: Ann. It's called the ADA. Read your Constitution. Also? It's

called Elder Abuse. I know my rights. Aaron is an attorney,

remember?

 

(beat)

 

Phila: That's what I thought.

 

 

ACT 111

Right now. 4:36 am

 

Me: Great. Now I can't get back to sleep. I'm so fucking mad at

you both. I hate you. I HATE YOU.

 

Phila and Louie: Um, can you keep it down? We're tired. Trying to get some sleep here.

 

Me: Just wait until Robin gets home next week...

 

Phila and Louie: ROBIN IS HOME? ROBIN IS HOME? ROBIN IS

HOME? BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK

BARK BARK BARK BA----

 

Me: No. I said wait UNTIL Robin gets home---

 

Phila and Louie: Robin's home!!! (Run to the front door)

 

EPILOGUE

Also right now. 4:36 am

 

Phila and Louie waiting at the front door: WOO HOO, ROBIN'S

HOME! BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK.

 

Me: Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck my life. Fuck the fucking wind

chimes. Fuck everything.

 

Phila: Ann. Language.

 

Louie: Dollar in the swear jar.

 

 

EPILOGUE, part Deux

(see photo)

I am making coffee at 4:04 am because I'm up for the day.

 

(CURTAIN)