The Difference Between Tragedy and Bummer

                               The Difference Between Bummer and Tragedy

The last time I wrote a parenting article here was, I think, at least two years ago. Or three. Or a million. Or a week ago. I really have no idea. There is pre-pandemic and there is now; I have no other grasp of time.

We could talk about what it’s been like trying to raise kids in a world gone mad but pretty much everything has been said about that already. And you know what it’s like. You’re living it. I see the empty booze bottles in your recycling cans.

It’s been rough.

You knew when you signed up to be a parent that you’d have to be a better person, a smarter person, a more courageous person, an indefatigable person, an inspiring role model for your kids and their generations to come.

But if you are anything like me, you didn’t actually believe it. You figured you’d slide by on your youth and sense of humor and – if necessary – your ability to stand your ground until you wear down the enemy even when you know for sure that you are wrong.

So it’s a kinda rough landing when real life requires you to not only raise your kids to be stellar human beings, but to do it when suddenly, the world around you is in deep disequilibrium and you don’t have any – much less, all – answers as to how to foster in your children the qualities of compassion, mindfulness, critical thinking skills,  and perspective.

There was no handbook for a pandemic. There wasn’t even toilet paper.

But I do have something uncharacteristically optimistic to say about all this:

Your kids have the opportunity to learn what entitlement – and the sudden absence of it – means. And that gives them the opportunity to see the world with eyes that are more keen than if they had grown up in the relatively easy-going bubble that was life five years ago.

The first lesson for your kids is, of course, that our lives were easy and entitled before the pandemic, and that our lives are still relatively easy and entitled. And that many people’s lives have always been threatened by hatred, poverty, marginalization and much more.  Understanding how fortunate we are  - feeling gratitude, perspective, all the qualities Oprah wants us to have – is not something little kids really get, but experiencing even the privileged small, bougie hardships of not being able to go to a friend’s house or not going Trick or Treating because of the pandemic sews the seeds of perspective.

That’s the good news.

The bad news is that they aren’t going to be happy about it. And the other bad news is that  they aren’t going to use the experience to make them better people until they are older. You know, when you are long dead.

Oh, and also?

It requires us – the parents – to show them the way. It requires us to meet the challenges of these times with a balance of validating our kids’ disappointments with modeling a sort of, “this is life” loving steadfastness.

Yeah, you having the attitude now that you hope to see in your kids when they are adults.

Sorry, but it’s true.

But wait. Good news returns!

This doesn’t mean you have to be happy about everything. In fact, if you are the kind of person who is happy about everything, well, frankly, you will have stopped reading this already because it doesn’t speak to you. Which is cool. Go, go be happy. Personally, I find unfailingly happy people to be insufferable, but, you know, God bless everyone.

When things are crappy, when the pandemic world sucks, we have to be honest and authentic about it. We can say to our kids, “You’re right, it really is disappointing that we can’t do this because of the pandemic” and…leave it at that. Just validate. Just listen. Just - as my generation is wont to say - Just be here now. Breathe out your nose. Make soft Yoga eyes at your child. Do 25 Kegels and enjoy a toned pelvic floor. Don’t fill the space with any helpful advice because there’s nothing more to said after validating.

If you have been in my parenting classes or groups, if you have spent any time at all with me, you know that I march under a few banners, and one of them is: Compassionate Detachment. I like to think of it as Love and Logic, but for actual humans with human feelings. (Cue the hate mail. You’ve got my email address).

Finding the true balance of compassion and detachment is a skill.  Compassion is the genuine validation that things are different and hard and scary and disappointing; Detachment is still putting one foot in front of the other and doing what needs to be done. Whether it’s not being able to go on a vacation or it’s having to clean the house or anything in-between, we feel our feelings and, still feeling them, we carry on. Maybe whining. Maybe pouting. Maybe squeezing out a few tears, even. But we carry on.

It is very tempting, as a parent, to want to have our kids do everything with a positive attitude. And in the next months, I am going to write about this whole unrealistic idea of  expecting them to never complain or pout, but for now I want to point out that when ramifications of the pandemic create disappointment for your kids, let them feel the disappointment. The feeling is authentic, and it’s normal and I bet you wouldn’t want anyone telling you to cheer up and turn that frown upside-down when you are feeling your feelings. In fact, if someone said that to me when I was upset, I’d probably feel even more upset. And misunderstood. And suddenly hungry for a LOT of bread and cheese.

Being able to tell your kids, without gratuitous sympathy, that it is, indeed, disappointing that because of the pandemic we can’t do what we used to do, is a really good way to model coping skills. Not denial or pretending skills. Not fake happy skills. Not over-the-top dramatic commiseration skills. Just accepting that what it is, is what it is. With true compassion.

I need to mention here that we are talking about the privileged stuff that disappoints our kids. When they encounter or learn about real problems that others may have, real hardships, a real lacking, compassionate detachment takes a very big back seat to action. And I could (and will) talk about how to create appropriate actions for your kids that both give them a sense of hope, a sense of purpose and does good in the world. But this piece is getting a little bit long, and I believe the assignment I was given was, “…can you write us a short article on parenting during the pandemic?”

So I’ll wrap it up.

Raising kids in strange times, in times of unrest, in times of unknown futures is a gift, albeit one that you didn’t order, don’t want and wish didn’t exist. Guiding our kids through these strange times can strengthen their coping skills, their compassion and, eventually, their ability to keep perspective. To really understand the difference between bummer and tragedy.

We can learn it together with our kids.