This Old Vag

Hi.

So, you know how I'm dead inside, right?

I had, however, a momentary breath of life this weekend while flipping through the latest O Magazine at the grocery store.

You know how I hate Oprah, right?

Well, not hate her as much as reject her notion that we should all live our best lives. Our BEST lives? That sounds exhausting. I live my life at two-thirds, tops. And that's with two cups of strong coffee every morning. Frankly, I don't even believe that Ms. O is living her own best life anymore, unless there is crack in those WW cauliflower faux noodles she's eating. No one can be that gung-ho on life. 

I mean, for fuck's sake, Trump is the goddamn president of the country. None of us is living our best life. Well, Ivanka is. But she feeds on the blood of humanity.

I don't live my BEST anything. It's my insurance against Death. I'm like the Winchester Mystery House - if I l achieve the goal of living my best life, then I will surely die the next morning. So staying alive requires that I power down to two-thirds. Less enjoyment, and more years of it. It's a Jewish thing.

Read your Torah. The Book of Kvetch And Vexation. 

I'm checking out O Magazine at the grocery store on Sunday and I notice an article on having the BEST menopause of your life.

I take momentary stock of my own menopause. Was it best? I scan the article to find out. Suddenly, I need to know.

I see mention of a thing called, "vaginal rejuvenation." Keepin' it young and robust.

Vaginal rejuvenation. 

And I'm thinking that if I could choose only one thing to rejuvenate, it seriously would not be my vagina.

My vagina might be my, say,  the fifth thing I'd rejuvenate. After world peace. And justice for all. And Jello 1-2-3, because that shit was seriously magic.

My vagina is as old as I am, as Goddess intended. We grew up together. We traveled the world together. We faked orgasms together. We have history. And now, in my doddage, I don't want to be hopping around on my arthritic 65 year old sticks, trying to keep up with my whippersnapper 25 year old vag.

A rejuvenated vag is gonna be a demanding vag, the way I see it.

For one thing, I cannot imagine that my young vag is going to be happy with underpants that are older than she is.

So, godspeed to Oprah. I mean it. You go live your best life in best health and attitude. Zie gezunt, as we say in the Book of Sarcastic Blessings. 

I put O back on the shelf and choose a copy of "Prevention" magazine. There is an article on having robust poops. I laugh so hard, my old vagina almost falls out.