The Real Housewife of Bethlehem

I'm thinking about Mary this afternoon.

Right about now, she's calling to Joseph to come time her contractions.

Joseph is making himself a burrito.

"Hold on," he says.

Typical. 

"Hey, asshole," she says, "maybe can you focus on me for one fucking second? I'm having our baby."

Beat.

And they both laugh. 

"Good one," he says.

Mary does a few short breaths through her next contraction. Not bad.  She dots a drop of For Women By Kim Kardashian on her pulse points.

"I'll have Joseph get me a new bottle as a push present." She smiles to herself. This is going to be sweet. 

Twelve hours later, it's not so sweet. The monitor is showing that her contractions are weak. The midwifedonkey suggests nipple stimulation. 

Josephs blanches.

"Stay focussed on breathing," he says, leaning in close and giving Mary a light kiss on the forehead, "you're doing great, honey. Almost five centimeters."

"Gross! Burrito breath," she says, "get the fuck away from me."

He turns away, stung.

"Wait!" She calls him back.

He smiles. She loves him again.

"Is that metric? What the fuck."

 "Ask your baby daddy to do the math for you."

He storms out of the manger. Fuck her, and the push present he was going to get her.

He sends a text:

@wisemen- cancel Hamilton tix. Marys a bitch U were rt. bring shitty gift instd. like myrrh or smthg. haha fuck her. 

The next morning.

Jesus is born. 

God tweets to the world:

@BDaddy, It's a boy! I have given the world the greatest gift of all.

Mary tweets back:

Hey @BDaddy- thanx for the gift. Send Preparation H so the gift will go away and I can poop again.

And all the women in the Twittersphere laughed until they peed. Because Kegels hadn't been invented yet.

And all the men agreed that women aren't funny.