Living My Third-To-Best Life

I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I have SADD, or something. 

Or MADD. 

Maybe I have GLAAD. Or all three. Maybe I am a drunk lesbian who languishes without sunshine.

All I know is that I defo have ENNUI. And envy (NV).

Everyone around me is doing so great. Which is really quite insensitive of them, considering my sad state of affairs. 

Even Oprah has a newfound joie de vivre, hawking Weight Watchers. Have you seen her? She's all, "we can do it together!" and "don't you want to be thin?" And she's looking right at me.

I might have to kill myself. And then, her. And then, me again. Because please. 

I was aggravated by Oprah even before she went all WW on my ass because she's always yapping about Living Your Best Life, and Live Life To The fullest! I am not a fan of that kind of feel good, opiate-of-the-people, pie-in-the-sky thinking. Anyway, as far as I know, maybe this is my best life. Who's Oprah to say? 

Back about six months ago, I used to work out every day. I guess I was living a good life then; if not my best life, then it was at least my third-to-best life. Maybe even second, if you grade on a national curve and factor in Dick Cheney.

Back in the days of living my third-to-best life, Phila and I took daily walks - sometimes five miles, sometimes ten miles. You might have heard me mention my workout a few times; I was quite insufferable about it. There are few things more pathetic than a fat person boasting about her exercise routine, am I right?  I saw it on people's faces.

Me: Well, I did another ten miler today...yeah, no biggie (I strike a runner's stretch pose. Ow ow ow ow).

People: Wow. Ten miles a day. You look...um, er, really great! (they avoid eye contact.) Okay, bye! Oh, um, you have some cream cheese stuck on your face, by the way. And half a bagel. And four Starburst wrappers.

Frankly, I'm not sure I even want to live my best life. Living my best life sounds like a lot of planking (O Magazine 2010). And substituting spaghetti squash for pasta (O Magazine, 2004). And turning off all electronics an hour before going to bed. Which is hard for me because I am pretty much always in bed. 

I think I am going to work on being cool with living life to the 1/3rd mark. Which I will choose to see as full.

So, plank on, all you living-your-best-lifers. Plank on, Oprah.

Plank on.