The Post About Farts

Never one to shrink from challenge, here goes.

Okay, I am one to shrink from a challenge. Actually, I am one to run from a challenge. Well, walk swiftly with purpose. I have this bad knee. And I'm often carrying a drink in one hand.

I do not have much competition in me. I'm a lover, not a competitor. And even as a lover, I don't have that fighting spirit. I'm more of an "everyone gets a trophy for showing up" kind of lover. With ice cream afterwards. And group photos.

For one thing with sex, there's my knee issue. It cramps up. And my underpants feel too tight around my waist even after I take them off so I don't want to be touched. And I absolutely do not want to be on top anymore. Gravity is a monstrous bitch.

Sex takes up a lot of the evening. And God forgive me, I just hate to miss any TV. Life is short and the good shit gets taken off the air without warning. Oh, there was a time when Robin and I could knock one off during commercials but commercials are pretty good nowadays and I lose my focus, winding up saying things to Robin like, "Look! It's a Swiffer" and "doesn't your cat deserve the very best?" This tends to confuse him, which slows things down.

I guess I am not a lover and not a competitor. But I will rise to the challenge put before me yesterday.

It wasn't so much put before me as I overheard it at the Toyota dealership when I was waiting for my car to get its recall issues fixed. Some guy said to some other guy, "it's not funny when women talk about farts."

Talk about your clarion call to revolution. I thought about farting as my response to these yahoos but that's risky business at my age. It takes all the muscle control I have to not pee when I sneeze.

The thing is, I think farting is quite hilarious. Especially since my gorgeous, petite, blonde, super fit sister has contracted  Old Lady Surprise Farts. HAH! Every time she bends down to tie her shoe, or gets up from the dinner table or switches positions at all, whammo! And she's always caught off guard by it. I tell you, that's comedy.

Since Karen is only two and half years older than I, it doesn't escape me that I am soon next. But still. For now. When I am afflicted, I plan to perfect the cover up the fart by pretending to sneeze decoy. And then I'll need to pretend pee in my pants just to make the sneeze believable. Getting older is a lot of work.

I fart every morning first thing when I wake up. It happens when I pee. On a good day, it happens after I get out of bed.

HAH! See what I did there?

Comedy.

Luckily, my car needs new brakes so I'm going back to the dealership next week. I am going to kill with this routine.