Once upon a time, there was a Very Hungry Post Menopausal Woman.
On Monday, she ate through one enormous bag of crudite.
But she was still hungry.
On Tuesday, she ate through two lasagne-sized Tupperware containers of cut-up fruit.
But she was still hungry.
On Wednesday, she chewed four sticks of gum instead of eating the leftover pizza in her fridge. And she cracked a filling. And had to have a crown put in. Which was not covered by her dental insurance. Which bummed her out, so that night she drank four glasses of wine (but two of them were for medicinal pain-killing purposes so they didn't count.) She fell asleep with her head on the kitchen counter.
On Thursday, she woke up with a headache. So she smoked a little weed.
And then she was really hungry. Fucking weed.
The Very Hungry Post Menopausal Woman drove to Trader Joe's and bought five different kinds of pretzels because she couldn't decide.
On Friday, she ate three sensible meals and then she ate six almonds because she was still hungry, and nuts are good for you and six of them fill you right up. Only, six almonds would not fill anyone up except, maybe, a newborn baby. Which is ridiculous because newborns can't afford to buy almonds.
On Saturday, she went to Jazzercise. A woman there told her that she lost weight by giving up wine. The Very Hungry Post Menopausal Woman laughed and laughed and laughed until her new dental crown fell out.
On Sunday, she noticed a red mark around her waist because her underpants were too tight. So she went to Macy's to buy a bigger pair of underpants.
That night, she ate a healthy dinner. She ground up the almonds and used them as a facial scrub. She felt good about herself. She got into her new, comfortable XL underpants and picked up her new library book. After an hour or so, she rolled a joint.
Two hits off the joint she suddenly felt really, really hungry.
"Oh shit," said the Very Hungry Post Menopausal Woman. Fucking weed.
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Oh, Ann, you had me laughing hysterically! Just what I needed to read on my birthday, as this post-meno woman is feeling a bit old today! Thanks!
Posted by: Doris Ann | 09/27/2015 at 08:15 AM
Hahah This Cracked me up
Posted by: Hawi Moore | 05/15/2017 at 05:18 AM
this is funny.
Posted by: maryjane | 06/05/2017 at 02:52 AM