Phila Culpa

Dear Natasha, Helene, Gaye, Barbara, Andrea, Rich and the neighbor whose name I didn't catch,

I am writing this letter on my own volition, although there have been threats of withholding treats and canceling a trip to the coast this weekend. Just saying.

I am writing to apologize to all of you at water aerobics today. I know you were tired after a hard class, and you were wet and anxious to get home to your lives. (What do you all do all day, anyway, though? You seem to do a lot of laughing and talking about food.)

But you hadn't planned on staying late after class to help Ann find me. Frankly, I would have preferred if you had just minded your own damn business, gone on home and let me run free, but it appears as though I don't get a vote around here. Ann's all for equality and shit when it comes to everyfuckingoneelse, but give the Poodle a voice? Non.

I'm sorry I didn't come when you all called my name for a very long time. Hand to God, I didn't hear you. I've had a little issue with my ears recently. It's Robin's fault, truth be told, he's pretty lax with my hygiene - what? WHAT? Hold on, Ann is motioning to me.

Okay, that was a lie. My ears are fine. Suddenly, Ann is stickler for the truth. Hah. Have you read her blog? Lies. LIES. She doesn't even like wine.

Anyway, it was wrong of me to cause you all so much worry. Not that anyone cares, but I was fine. In fact, I was finally happy. Roaming free, as God intended. Enjoying nature. And trying to kill it.

Still, I could hear in your voices that you were concerned for my well-being. Especially in Ann's voice when she called out, "FUCK YOU, Phila, I'm leaving without you."

I have to confess something: when Ann threatened to leave without me last week and I raced through nine acres to get to the road when I heard the car, I was pissed. I mean, she's a parenting instructor, for fuck's sake. She should know better than to threaten abandonment. But fool me once. So today, when she pulled that same shit again, I just ran further away. To teach her a lesson. She gets so fucking full of herself. You know I'm right, right?

And my plan would have worked but for one of you catching a glimpse of me meandering towards the neighbor's chicken coop. I thought you were old. Macular degeneration, my ass. (And Barbara, I know it was you who honked and told Ann where I was. You broke my heart, Fredo.)

I want to thank you all for helping me get out of the neighbor's barbed wire fence when I was ready to get into Ann's car. I'm sorry you cut yourselves a few times trying to hold the wires open for me. I'm also sorry I didn't show you the a big hole in the fence where I got in. 

I might have been a little bit angry at you. I have issues with being infantalized. I am three years old. Stop helicoptering already.

The good news is that you won't have Phila to kick around anymore. Ann has decided I am no longer welcome at water aerobics. Evidently, I'm not trustworthy.

Please. She should talk. She doesn't even actually do the warm-ups in the shallow. She just counts and waves her arms around. Thought you should know.

Yours truly,

Phila