Upon Turning Fifty-Eleven

I just read Anne Lamott's blog post on turning 61.

Since I am going to be 61 next week, and since Anne Lamott says everything best, I had thought about just re-posting what she wrote about it. But that seemed insufferably lazy, even for me. And if the past 60 years have taught me anything, it's that...um...

Huh. Blank.

I probably should have been paying more attention to my life. Now - when it's time for me to share my wisdom  - I've arrived for a test for which I did not study. What the hell have I been doing for the past 60 years?

Oh, right. Trying to figure out how to use the TV remote controls.

So instead of looking back, I am going directly into the future. Ripe cataracts (un)focussed forward. Size 41 Dansko clogs ahead. Boobs facing front and looking down. 

If the Universe sees fit to keep me around for another few decades, here is what I intend to learn:

1. Fuck the TV remote. There are better things to conquer. There's nothing worth watching on TV anyway now that Michelle Duggar seems to be infertile.

2. Everything worth loving demands at least a modicum of work. So instead of trying to figure out the percentages of how much I love Phila vs. how much I hate picking up her poop, or how much joy I feel when I see her in the morning vs how much I resent her funky river smell all over everything, I will simply accept the whole package: Ditto for how I feel about Robin. Big love has room for a little bit of hate sometimes.

3. Speaking of Robin, I am going to let go of my disgust that he pees in our backyard. Our backyard, for fuck's sake. Maybe it's a primal thing, so God bless. Both he and Phila are completely housebroken. So there's that. 

4. Reading counts as writing. That's my rule and you can't take it away from me. 

5. Bagels are not worth the calories. But life is not worth living without them. My ancestors didn't perish in the pogroms just to have me choke down a slice of gluten-free Ezekiel bread at brunch. I will fight anti-Semitism where it hides.

6. I am not my weight. But if my IQ was my weight, I would be a fucking genius. Similarly, if my weight were my IQ, I'd be quite thin. I think it will be easier if I work on raising my IQ.

7. I will probably never wear anything that I didn't wear this week.

8. I will also probably never use: the garlic press, the teeth-whitening strips, the shoe horn, the strapless bra, the two-pound bag of caramel-flavored coffee, the four jars of turmeric I bought online, the bungee cords, the leftover Manischevitz wine from Passover, that Land's End tankini I bought when I was feeling buff from summer water aerobics, or the maternity jeans I bought from Target when water aerobics ended for the summer. 

9. I will probably never be a Latina. Or African American. Or a lesbian. Or street. I must try to be as cool and edgy as I can despite my handicap of being white and Jewish with a nervous stomach and psoriasis. I am "avenue", not "street". I have to deal with it. Pobrecita yo.

10. Not everything has to end neatly at "10".

Comments

[Maria]

Oh 61 years!! that's an achievement!!!... and its true watching TV is such a waste of time. What one must do in life is live it and do stuff to the maximum... Wish you a interesting life ahead , till however longer it should last.