A Charming Fixer-Upper

I've been deathly ill, have you heard?

I'm on the mend now, but it was a long week of chills and aches and feeling relieved that I already live in Oregon because if I didn't, I would have to move here so I could kill myself. It was a bad flu.

Anyway, I had a lot of time to languish in bed and think about things. Mostly I thought about whether or not I was going to die. Then I thought about the things Robin needs to change about himself. 

I have quite a list. Happily, Robin and I can discuss it during our 20 hour drive to LA next month.

There is nothing like bundling up in the wintertime, hot soup in the thermoses, pillows all around us, climbing the snowy Siskiyous and really delving into what's wrong with Robin, and how I feel he can improve. The category of his bathroom cleanliness could take us all the way to the California border, I bet.

"Fuck, is there anything else?" Robin will ask when we hit Yreka. "Is anything else you need to say?"

And I will nod my head no. I have nothing else to say.

And without speaking, I will pull out the photos. And diagrams. And the essay I've written on Why You Are An Asshole When You Close The Window And Shut The Door After You've Pooped In The Upstairs Bathroom.

I mean, fuck me. The man poops, and then leaves the bathroom sealed up. How nice for the next person.

By the time we stop in Corning, I will be feeling fantastic. Getting everything off one's  chest is so healthy for a marriage. Robin will have thrown a rod on the Suburban on purpose just for distraction. Once he pulled out his own crown molar just to shut me up.

Joke on him. 

Don't get me wrong; it's not like I think he's the only one who needs to change. I also think we need to remodel the house. The foundation is kind of old and parts are beginning to sag. And I can relate to that.

My foundation has some alarming cracks in it, as well. Particularly around my eyes. And frankly, I just don't have the curb appeal I used to have. I want to tell people, "don't judge on surface looks; wait til you see the inside." My colon is quite well-maintained. My liver? Not so much.

Also, I hope that they don't notice my frequent gas leaks. I really should cut down on the hummus. 

Most concerning, however is the mold I have growing in my cracks. My pipes cannot hold water anymore. Especially when I sneeze or laugh hard. That kind of mold is hard to get out. I scrub and I scrub.

I need to remember that I am not perfect. I will assure Robin and I'm aware of this, and that he is welcome to make a list of improvements for me. I will also remind him that I have recently been deathly ill. And I am still weak. So we should probably be very kind to me.

At least, until the drive back home.