No Boning After Atoning

Robin and I will be celebrating our thirty-fourth anniversary this month.

And by "celebrating", I mean I will be preparing myself for Yom Kippur. The Day of Atonement. Party on.

Nothing says "happy anniversary" like fasting, coming face to face with your darkest transgressions, and exposing your vulnerable heart by asking for forgiveness. Kinda like what the last thirty-four years of marriage to me must have been like for Robin. Only without the fasting. Or the forgiveness. I get hungry. And I tend to hold grudges.

I have really meant to be a better wife to Robin for the past, oh, thirty-three years but what with my water aerobics schedule and thinking about growing out my bangs, my free time is pretty tight. And any extra energy I might have for being A Nicer Person To My Husband is taken up by waiting for the new season of The Good Wife. Ironic, I know.

I should be nicer. He deserves it. It's just so easy to be a smartass. So relaxing. Like a vacation for the frontal and cingulate cortices.

Also, when I try to be A Nicer Wife, it just doesn't go well. Like when, as a surprise gift to him, I went through all his clothes one day and gave away the ones that he (I) didn't think he should wear anymore because they are ugly. He was totally not grateful. 

Or when I thought it would be nice if I said his name at services during the prayer for healing because he was recovering from surgery. Only when people asked me what was wrong with him, and I couldn't lie about it, since I was in temple in front of God, so I told the truth, which was that he had rectal surgery for an anal fissure and he still wasn't able to have a bowel movement without fainting. And then the congregation was very quiet for a long while and no one looked at me during refreshments.

I don't know why I even try to do good.

I suppose we could have sex as our anniversary gift to each other. But I'll be all clean and atoned and shit - that's no way to have sex. Sex after atoning would be like letting Phila swim in the river right after she's been groomed. It's just wrong. Sex should be transgressed and burdened with guilt. The way my God intended. After sex, one should feel the need to atone. Also one should feel self-loathing about one's body and remorse that one ate those last two molasses cookies before dinner. And then one should blame one's partner for making her fat.

You know, all the beautiful traditions of Our People.