Kardashiageddon

 So, first of all, there's this:

I get to my Dr. Strangemom site by Googling "Typepad". I've been doing it that way for, like, nine years. I know it's probably a circuitous route, but I'm a technoboob and don't know any other way to do it. It's probably tantamount to going out my front door, driving around the block, coming back, parking my car in the driveway, walking around through the side gate to the backyard and going in the sliding glass door off the deck to get from my bedroom to the kitchen, but when I learn one way to do shit, I'm pretty much set forever. Lucky Robin in the boudoir, right?

Anyway, every time I want to blog, I type in "Typepad". And then Google directs me to "Type 2 Diabetes" and then to "Type A Personality", and then, finally, to my blog site. Which is very time consuming. And very judgemental. Who the hell is Google to remind me of my core issues? It harshes my mellow when I'm ready to write. 

I've been meaning to deal with my core issues but it seems like a lot of work. And having to, you know, change. So instead of dealing, I believe I am going to simply embrace my issues. And by "embrace", I mean, getting out in the world and accepting myself as I am.  And by "getting out in the world and accepting myself as I am", I mean, drinking. At home. Alone.

Having a plan is the first step to mental health. I read that in Psychology Today. Or maybe it was on Facebook. A Buzzfeed test, maybe. Something real.

My mental health plan includes accepting that no matter how much money I spent on that Eileen Fisher open weave linen tank dress, I will not wear it in public anymore. Or in private. It's waaaay too sheer and my signature Playtex longline minimizer bra and size 8 cotton Lollipop high waist briefs just don't cut it as peek-a-boo fashion. Also? People keep mistaking my back fat as boobs. They think I'm facing them and backing away.

Wearing Spanx under an open weave linen sheer tank dress seems, I don't know, sad. And ridiculous. And then those judgmental bitches at Google who keep reminding me that I am a candidate for Type 2 diabetes, will have won. And then the Kardashians will have more babies. And then it's just all Armegeddon.

Plus, WHY do they think I overeat, anyway? They know I'm a Type A personality. AND I can't get to my blog site. 

Which brings me to the point that it's been a while. Maybe a year. 

I had a lot of shit to do. There were weevils in my rice and I think I ate one by mistake. So I was nauseous for about a month and had to lay down a lot. And then there was that whole Khloe Kardashian pregnancy scare last winter, which took up a lot of my hand-wringing. Because, I swear, if one more Kardashian comes into this world, I will move to Canada.

Oh, and then there were those three months during early Spring when I forgot my password to Typepad. Which is "gefilte", so you can remind me next time. Or maybe it's "gefulte". You know, to fool the Gentiles.

So, yeah. I'm back.

Oh wait. Also, I'm tweeting now. It seemed right now that my kids tell me Twitter is already over. If you want to follow me on Twitter, you'll have to ask my kids how  because I have no fucking idea. I think you have to spit three times, turn to the East and swing a chicken or something.

God willing, we'll see each other again before another Kardashian arrives.

Comments

[Claire LaZebnik]

I laughed out loud too many times to count. Five hundred billion maybe?

[Barbara Gold]

You DO know that Canada is still in this world, right?

[annie]

I love you, Ann Brown.

[Madgew]

Love that you are back.

[Sally]

hi Ann this might be helpful. I need to re-read it regularly to refresh my memory http://www.momthisishowtwitterworks.com/

I love your work

Sally

[Roseanne Bell]

Please do not take any breaks..."we" need you !!

Roseanne