My Million Dollar Ideas

I have got to come up with my million dollar idea soon. I only have $34.00 in my checking account.

I really thought my big idea of the drive-through salad bar was going to be my ticket outta here. Dig it: you pull in, they give you a bowl and a bigass set of tongs, and you drive along the salad bar, picking out what you want. I have no idea why that didn't work. Other than the fact that salad isn't really an eat-in-your-car kind of food. Also, other than the fact that I never actually did anything about it.

Then I thought of inventing a stretching machine. You know, so you can wake up in the morning and stay in bed and watch re-runs of The Nanny while a machine stretches you out and you can start the day with relaxed muscles. I told Robin my idea and he told me to show him what I wanted the machine to do, which would not necessarily be a red flag that he had prurient designs on me except that he kept insisting that he could only really understand my idea if his pants were off and I used his wiener as the lever.

I really don't know why I talk to Robin at all.

Perusing Facebook to find out how everyone else is making their fortunes, I saw that all the really good ideas are taken. Claire's newest book just came out - Overcoming Autism - and people are already lining up to buy it. I suppose I could write a book on overcoming autism and undercut her by, like, two dollars, and steal her customers. But I don't have a clue how to overcome autism. Or how to overcome anything, really. I tend to not overcome shit in my life so much as I see it coming and I put clean sheets on the bed for it. And I offer it wine and cheese. Which I polish off all my myself.

A bunch of my FB friends have made their millions by running businesses. That's not for me. Because, you know, it has the word "run" in it. Which sounds athletic. Which is not for me.

How to make money, how to make money, how to make money....

Maybe I could write a book on how to overcome making money. OMG, I could totally kick ass writing that book.

Or maybe I should just let Robin pull his pants down and I'll show him my stretching machine moves. And when he falls asleep afterwards, I'll take a hundred bucks from his wallet.