Bang Bang

As I watch the inauguration today, I am proud to be an American woman with bangs.

I have been waiting for this day for a long time. Fifty-eight years.

I have never been without bangs, due to my forehead being approximately three inches high due to my, evidently, skipping the entire family epoch in Poland and going back directly to The Missing Link. And as women knuckle-draggers have known since the invention of foreheads, a short one (forehead, not woman) must be disguised with bangs. 

When I was young and Mom was in charge of my bangs, I suffered the humiliation of the one-and-a-half inch micro bang. I still can't get Mom to explain her thought process with that. Maybe it was a Cold War thing, you know, confuse and repel the Commies with my coif. Or maybe it was a Mom-liked-her gin thing back in the 1950's. What I don't want to believe is that it was a Mom-liked-Karen-more-than-she-liked-me thing although there is a preponderance of evidence to the contrary.

For one thing, Karen got a forehead. If giving one daughter and forehead and the other daughter two inches of fur between her eyebrow and her scalp isn't Exhibit A of Mom Loved You Best, well, I don't know what is. 

Oh wait. Yes I do.

Mom stopped smoking when she was pregnant with me. 

And if you think that is a good thing, consider this: my big sister is, like, 5' 2'' and very petite. She can fit her entire body in my underpants, I bet. I spent most of Kingergarten being mistaken for her bodyguard. I was heads taller than Karen. With a mustache and unibrow. I didn't date a lot in Kindergarten. 

Karen and Mom are pretty much alike. Blonde and small. Fit and active. I am more like my dad. Who is dead.

Still, now that the First Lady's bangs are all out and proud, it just seems, well, American to be sporting bangs. So I will not grow out my bangs. Ever. Even if my forehead grows five inches, I will not grow out my bangs.

Because then the Commies will have won.

Comments

[Madgew]

Love your bangs and you were in before your time. I think it softens the face.

[Adrienne]

Ann! Thank you for this! I am sitting here laughing hysterically which caused my dogs to come and try to lick me, perhaps thinking I was crying, and then run off to bark like crazy to protect me. I guess they realized I wasn't crying but that they needed to protectme from something. Anyway, this was great. Best wishes to you and Robin!

[Dawn Davenport]

Oh Dahlink!! What with the holidays, the non holidays and me running around trying to be an 8 and seeing ALL the movies, I somehow didn't get around to reading this. You know, I love you. I love every blog you've ever written. I always laugh that big belly laugh with my big belly. This led to me re-read several of your other recent blogs and it was the most fun I've had, well, possibly all week, except Monday, which I had off and spent eating a lot of oysters and drinking wine with friends. But, really truly, I love you.

[Jillian Lauren]

I've had bangs since I was four and I always hate when they're in vogue! I always prefer to swim upstream and now every regular-sized forehead chick is going to cop our style...