Cart Ache

As of this morning, I am a Very Valued Customer at Safeway Market. An assistant manager came out of her cubicle to tell me so. She congratulated me and gave me her work cell phone number and her business card. Which has only her first name and her work cell phone number on it.

"This is so you can reach me any time," she told me.

"Really?" I asked, "any time?"  Sweet. I could use someone to take Phila to the vet next week.

She could not have been more earnest when she said, "Yes. Anytime I am in the store."

Oh.

So I waited a few minutes and then called her from the baking aisle.

"Hello," I said, "this is Very Valued Customer Ann Brown. I was wondering if you had any turbinado sugar."

I didn't need turbinado sugar. I mostly use Splenda. I was just fucking with her, of course. But also, I wanted her to think that I was the kind of wholesome eating person who - if compelled to use sugar at all, say, if I was all out of organic agave - would chose turbinado. These kinds of things are very important to me. I define myself by the contents of my shopping cart.

Which is why I either send Robin to the market or I shop outside my 'hood when I want to buy cookie dough or Fritos. Or Monistat Ultra.

I really don't know why I bother, however. I mean, have you taken a good look at what people buy? You know, all of us whose carts are filled with coconut probiotic water and shade-grown no pesticide yam sprouts and quinoa? We do not look so hot. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but it's true. We look kinda wan. And jiggly. And our hair just sort of sits there. And we are always tired and complaining.

And the gorgeous, thin, energetic, white-toothed, luxuriously- maned specimens of health? They are guzzling a Trenta quadruple caffeine mocha while piling mini marshmallows and bologna in their carts. What the fuck.

The answer, of course, is that all the preservatives are keeping them young and beautiful. Duh. Man, were the rest of us hippie Birkenstock crunch eaters all sold a bag of horseshit or what? Paying forty dollars for cold pressed pomegranate juice at the wood-paneled, hemp basketed foode shoppe, and my lifeless hair is falling out. I may as well shop the shit at Walmart.

As you may recall, I recently wrote about a Walmart going up in my neighborhood. And, as promised, I have not stepped foot inside of it. Although I was tempted two weeks ago when I was alone and out of ice and my broken finger made it impossible for me to hook the hooks of my bra so I had to just wear it unhooked; you know, straps draped over my shoulders and cups hanging in front of my boobs like a thin, greying lace curtain ill-containing a pair of unruly ferrets behind it.

I was prime Walmart material.

But I am defined by my grandiose token acts of political rebellion (and my shopping cart) so I did not go. I stayed home and carried on without the bag of ice. I had a rum and coke NEAT. What I will not do for the Revolution.

It's too bad I was not a Very Valued Customer two weeks ago. I could have called the assistant manager and asked her to deliver a bag of ice to me.

And when she got here, I would make her hook my bra.

 

 

Comments

[Adrienne]

Laughing hysterically outloud, alone in my office. Sooooo funny! Will buy marmallows & Fritos today with hopes it helps restore hair luster and collagen. thanks, Ann!

[IreneDawn]

Ann, you..light up my life. Yesterday I wouldn't have known what turbinado sugar but Annie and Jane made me watch Chopped, now I'm hooked, unlike your bra. I say fuck the bra..leave it off until your finger heals..or forever. Stay in touch with your inner hippie.

[Katherine]

Everytime I read your blog, my kids hear me laughing and run over to the computer to check it out. I have to cover the screen. Couple of years, they can see too.

[Madgew]

I love your words and your experiences. So much fun to follow you and now with your latest award of most valued shopper, you will stand out among the rest of us flour eating, sugar loving Americans.

[Claire]

I think that assistant manager was coming on to you.

[Barbara]

Ferrets, huh? Anyone who likes Fritos is my friend and possibly soulmate.

[jenchi]

viva la revolucion!!!

jenchi

[Roseanne Bell]

Cart(e) Blanche/Ann-- you are a joy to read...loving each blog!!

[Amy]

Dammit, you're onto my secret fountain of youth. Stay the hell away from my chili Fritos, you unhooked hussy.

[free to-do list]

Please tell me that you're going to keep this up! Its so good and so important. I cant wait to read more from you. I just feel like you know so much and know how to make people listen to what you have to say. This blog is just too cool to be missed. Great stuff, really. Please, PLEASE keep it up!
http://www.taskcanon.com

[Doris]

Very Valued Safeway Customer? I have been shopping there since they opened and have never been bestowed such an honor! Definitely have customer envy!!! Miss running into you there in the deli (wine) aisle ;)