If I Could Save Time In A Kabbalah

Philo of Alexandria said it best back in 20 BCE: Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.

It's like the man read my diary. I mean, you wouldn't know it just to look at me, but I have a shitload of great battles raging within me. I just cover them really well with snarky bon mots, Xanax and Revlon's Sheer Matte foundation. Sometimes I add a scarf.

Philo was awesome. Man, if I was around in 20 BCE, I'd totally go after him. I'd be all flirty, all, you know what you said at the Coliseum yesterday, about everyone fighting a battle? OMG, it was like you were speaking directly to my soul. And, being a man who can't resist a compliment, he would buy me a drink and try to get to second base. Then, being a Jewish man, he would dump me as soon as the first thin, blonde shikshe with a trust fund came catapulting over the stone wall. Jewish girls never stand a chance.

Oh, and yeah, I wrote BCE. Before the Common Era. Because Jews do not count years according to Jesus, did you know that? It's nothing personal, all you Christians, so don't go running for your white hoods and torches; it's just that we prefer a more, say, katholikos system. And if you just looked up that word, you'd learn that it is the root of the word, Catholic. Which means, "general, of the people".

I know, right? The shit can blow your mind.

I will posit, however, that we Jews might want to find a more colorful way to describe the early years. "Before the Common Era" has a nice proletarian ring to it, I'll admit, but it doesn't really paint a picture of the times. Plus, when, exactly, did that Common Era finally come to pass? Certainly not during Scott Walker's reign.

Maybe Jews should mark the year by calling it BBS  - Before Bagel & Shmear. Or BIMDT  -Before Isaac Mizrahi Designed For Target. Or how about BE - Before Electrolysis? You swarthy gals know what I'm sayin', right?

Oh wait, I know. BPHWAK. Before Paris Hilton Was A Kabbalist. When the world was young.

 

 

Comments

[Madge]

Funny. I love your words and I even learned a little history today.

[Claudia]

A great quote and idea. I wonder if Philo was always kind or if he just wanted the rest of us to be kind. And interesting to think about BC and BCE. I think BIMDT is pretty funny too.

[Paula]

Irritatingly enough, for those of us who'd rather not judge time by Jesus, the year 0 in BCE-CE time is the same as the year 0 in BC-AD time. So it's just a name change and not anything really meaningful. It does save you from having to constantly convert years from AD-CE and all, but I wish we could actually make things stop revolving around Jesus rather than just using a better-sounding name.