Bloody Night At The Oscars

In case I don't make it through the night, I just wanted to say goodbye. You see, I might bleed to death.

You know when you do something, and the second you do it you regret it and stay very still so maybe time will go backwards and you won't have done it? And then you pray a little bit and curse a little bit and then you open your eyes but it's still the present time and you still did that stupid thing, so you go directly to self-loathing and ultimately, to blaming someone else?

So last night, around midnight, I was almost falling asleep when my big toe felt the toenail on my other big toe, and it felt like the nail was too long. I have this thing about long toenails; they creep me out, so you can understand that discovering my long toenail was going to cost me a night's sleep at the very least.

I didn't want to fully wake up because I've been having trouble sleeping lately and I was finally in a good preslumber state, having mentally ironed all my linen shirts and made out with Colin Firth backstage at the Oscars (the two being unrelated), and I made one of those decisions that one can only make in an altered state, you know, like not using a condom or invading Iraq.

With my eyes still closed, I reached over into my nightstand drawer, felt around, and produced a cuticle scissors.

I know. This is the part of the movie where you yell at the screen, "don't do it!"

Feeling around, I plunged my be-scissored finger down into the covers, felt around for the big toenail (I believe in medicalspeak, this is called "appreciating"), and lopped it off.

The tip of my toe, that is.

It wasn't until about 3 minutes later, when I thought I had spilled water or something at the foot of my bed because everything was wet down there, did I realize I was bleeding to death.

Resistant to rousing myself to a complete awake state (Colin's breath still warm on my lips), I made my bloody way to the bathroom to patch me up. But when I got there I realized my glasses were on my nightstand. So I bloodied my way back to get them and then returned. The hallway looked like Gettysburg, bloody sock and slippers and various schmatte tourniquets scattered along the route. The food pantry is in that hallway, as well, so I made a quick stop for sustinance, lest the blood loss proved to weaken me. Tenks to God, I had a snack size bag of baked BBQ chips back there from when I went to Subway last week. I am all about readiness.

Why do I do this kind of shit over and over again? You know, allow myself to think that blind pedicures are a good idea at midnight. Or thinking that cleaning out the Band-Aids from the first aid kit to make room for more Immodium and Monistat won't have its consequences. Although I am prone to nervous Jewish stomach issues and the sight of all my toe blood did, indeed, bring on some cramps and gas, so the Immodium was not without its usefulness.

I am sitting at the computer, my bloody, beschmatted foot elevated on the desk (in a pelvic stretch I will regret in a few hours), looking at a photo of the most beautiful shoes that Nell wore to the VF party last night. Could I be any sadder?

Only if she tells me she made out with Colin Firth.

 

Comments

[Madge]

Use a nail file next time. I keep those ones with sand paper on them by my bed for toe nail issues. No blood. Hope you have finally learned your lesson. No need to gain weight over a bad nail.

[Claire]

Shudder. Shudder. Shudder.

[Irene Dawn Davenport]

I'm glad there is no one around me to observe my maniacal laughter. They would ask me what I'm laughing about and I'd have to admit that when I hear that friends are bleeding to death in the middle of the night..I laugh. Seriously Ann, you make disaster fun. You're in fabulous form considering you couldn't have gotten much sleep. People that keep sharp tools in their bedside tables should also have bandaids nearby.

[Michelle]

tenks to god you are ok.
you slay me!

[John Doe]

Sleep and scissors.....Makes me think of the movie "Play Misty for Me".

[Janet]

Tenks to God! Ha!

[susan lynne]

I just laughed so hard I peed a little (being over 50 truly sucks sometimes) - but it was worth it! you're the best Ann. Thank you for always brightening my day! Now I'm off to change my underwear.

[Troy]

OK, I think this is sooo funny. For some, unknown (certainly unexplainable) reason, I just decided, out of the blue, to get caught up on my Annblog. I just felt a need to tell you about this nice family, who had a nice daughter, who's toenail I just removed (seriously, 10 minutes ago) from her great toe... the right one. Not that it matters, it was just that I had to tell you about the toenail removal because at one point during the procedure, concentrating intently, I cussed (imagine that) and it reminded me of your speech/skit last weekend (or any of the other times you let out with your vile piece for that matter). Maybe it was the man upstairs trying to tell you that the next time you decide to do midnight bedroom surgery with scissors from a Barbie beauty shop set, you can just call me and I'll provide 2% lidocaine, a nip of gin, and a big smile to go with the tissue remnant dangling from the end of my tweezers for 'ya!

[Barbara Weismann]

Still laughing and visualizing. Was late reading this, but WOW! Love you Ann, Barb