Where's MINE??????

Well, I'm just going to come out and say it. Everybody else in the world is doing better than I am.

Oh, don't even start with me about losing your job or your basement flooding or your bladder infection that won't go away. Don't even. I know what I know and what I know is that I am sick and tired of people's good news. I did take momentary pleasure in reading that Obama's approval numbers have gone up, but then I thought to myself, "what about MY approval numbers? I still only have, like, 169 Dr. Strangemom Facebook friends. And I was totally for the public option."

I think the annual Christmas letters are what finally did me in. Does everyone lie, or do people get out and do shit, like, every weekend? Am I the only one who is watching the Burn Notice marathon? The only one nuking popcorn for dinner and devoting my free time to perusing hair products on amazon.com? Am I the ONLY one who takes the Sabbath seriously? Did the Lord spend the seventh day skiing? Cleaning out the garage? Running Hood to Coast? I don't think so. S/He intended us to rest. Exfoliate. Experiment with highlights. Hide behind the sofa and not answer the door when friends come by. You know, be holy.

I do not send out holiday letters. Frankly, I would have to make up all sorts of shit and no one would believe me anyway. I suppose I could stick to the truth, like, I finally found that apple core I've been looking for all spring. I just knew it had to be under my bed. Oh, and I went up another size in underpants. Again. Best wishes in 2011.

If you happen to be part of a sporty family, your letter practically writes itself. Although, I have to tell you that no one cares how your kid's team did this season, especially if they did well. I know we all say we care. But we don't. We don't even remember if your kid is a boy or a girl. Even when we see it.

You know what I like? I like hearing that things are fucked all around. I am not interested in doing better than anyone; I am interested in being fucked together. A gang of fucked. Sharing the last piece of Trader Joe's spanokopita, reading aloud from Valley of the Dolls, and snuggling close as the embers die out. THAT makes you want to live to see another day. I mean, hearing whose kid got into Stanford, whose career is going well and how, once you get used to it, you don't even miss carbs - why bother waking up to a new morning after that?

Although, honestly, if things are going well for you, bless your heart.

And by "bless your heart", I mean, keep it to yourself. Or gimme some.

 

 

 

 

Comments

[Claudia]

Once, a friend of mine started her Christmas letter like this:

"I got a divorce and really got screwed financially and my mom fell down a flight of stairs and almost died. For three days she lay unconscious. If her basement hadn't flooded, she would have died. As it was, she lived on the rain water until her 90-year-old neighbor decided something was wrong and..."

It was the most amazing, BEST Christmas letter ever. I showed it to my spouse and said, "Don't you think this is great?" He was horrified and said Christmas letters are SUPPOSED to be cheerful and upbeat. But I still think about it, two years later.

[Madge]

I have often thought about sending out an end of the year letter that is all about awful things that happened to me, my family, my friends but have never done it. Every year when I get those letters I start to write my awful letter, then I think I should embellish and totally lie and then make a mystery out of my musings, then I decide it isn't worth the effort so I don't do it. I feel like you do Ann. Happy New Year.

[Katherine]

Actually, if you look to the left you have 564 fans. This is the best
Christmas letter I have read yet. We found lost Ken yesterday when we tore apart my daughter's room looking for all the other lost toys. He's kinda like an apple core and he was under the bed.

[Jo-Ann Moss]

Who needs letters when we've got the delightful narcissism of ... facebook!

I despised all Christmas letters this year. Didn't even open a few of them for days. As always, you know da pulse of da people, Ann.

[Babara]

S/he does not want us to exfoliate on the Sabbath. S/he wants us to watch TV or read a damn book. That's all. I know this because I speak directly to her/him.
Oh...Happy New Year.

[michelle]

Funny JoAnn...I too was thinking that the narcissism of FB parallels with that of the Christmas letters!

[VictoryLane]

In fact, I think you should send a mid-year letter about how awful things are. Why does it have to be at Christmas time? Why isn't a 6 month accomplishment list sufficient? Then you can revel on how you will take the next 6 months to turn things around, when in fact, you don't.

Give the people what they don't want. :)

[smartass michelle]

Broke a rib,dear friends are divorcing,both kids and husband in therapy for anxiety,I'm drinking too much and my friend's husband got cancer. Happy f-in New Year!!