IS IT OVER YET???????

It's hard enough just being a Jew. But having to celebrate Hanukkah EIGHT nights in a row? Fuuuuck.

I am exhausted. Not that I've done much Hanuka-ing this year. The kids are grown, there's really nothing Robin or I particularly want in terms of some stupid token gift, I wrestle bigtime with the whole political message of the holiday (the Maccabees were fundamentalists; they basically felt that any Jew who wasn't religious enough was the enemy) and let's be honest, eating latkes and jelly donuts all week isn't gonna get me out of my size 16 maternity underpants by New Years.

Plus, frankly, I cannot think of one thing in the entire universe that I want to do every night for eight nights. Nothing. I bet most adults would be hard pressed to commit to doing anything every night for eight nights, every year, for the rest of their lives.

Oh, wait. I should clarify: female adults. Married female adults. Tired married female adults. For whom a perfectly roasted chicken can be a quicker path to orgasm than a naked weener.

Oh sure, back in the old days, Robin and I had sex every day and night, all day and night, and once in the chicken coops at his place in Santa Cruz but I was just showing off back then, setting the trap, you know? Like, "fall in love with me and you can have this for the rest of your life!" when, in reality, I get a lot of bladder infections and I like to build a fortress of pillows around me before I fall asleep. Robin calls it the Great Wall of Ann. He even made up a little poem which he recites while I pile on the pillows.

Great wall of Ann, oh great wall of Ann, many peoples of many lands, but none can understand the great wall of Ann.

Well, maybe you have to be there.

Anyway, my point is, I don't understand why we have to be forced to celebrate Hanukah for such a long time when the rest of you get it all over with in 12 hours. It's not fair. It's practically a hate crime against my people.

And no one, not even the best Jewish parents, can figure out what to do about the eight nights of presents. On the one hand, if you do it up big, give your kids a huge, expensive kickass present every night, your kids will love you but you will be subjected to the disdain of parents who tell you that you are missing the point of Hanukah, that we must not compete with Christmas. Oh you know the ones - they give their children a certificate for planting a tree in Israel for the first night's gift and the rest of the week they sit together, play non-competitive Dreidle and, oh, I have no fucking idea, enjoy each other's company.

On the other hand, if you take the high road and give your kids a nice gift on the first night (and by "gift" I mean the Jewish definition: a book. Preferably about Jewish heroes) and for the other seven nights you celebrate by carving dreidles out of pinecones to give to the poor, your children will marry Protestants and feed their babies pork.

It's a lose-lose. Lose-lose for the Jews. Sing the blues.

 

 

 

Comments

[Madge]

This is a great story Ann. I, too, get bladder infections and my doctor gave me a pill to take literally right after sex. It works wonderfully. If needed email me. I had three grandkids here every night to light the candles and open a present. Unfortunately, because I bought presents when I saw them all year when I went to wrap I realized I was uneven so in my effort to even up they got 14. Small however and no huge one except a Wii Shawn White snowboard (not the one that has alcoholic mentions on it, that is the skateboard one). I just couldn't get 6 year old's games marked 10 and up. But why should a 10 year old have alcoholic references on theirs either. Anyway all the good gifts were from grammie and all the not so hot ones were from Hanukkah Harry. So it was a win win for me.

[Karen Jackson]

I too get bladder infections! Isn't it interesting, Ann, to see what your readers take home from your Hannukah story? Let's hear from others who get bladder infections after sex!

[alicia]

Fuck Hanukkah. Let's start a religion honoring our dear shit-slinging, painfully honest, commune-loving ANN who has given the gift of laughter when it is not only desperately needed, but least expected. Start the traditions now......i think the word fuck needs to be incorporated into all prayers. Bueller?

[David Besbris]

The number of days celebrating Hanukkah should be voluntary. ("Nina.Sorry, no present tonight. Tonight's not Hanuakkah. Tomorrow is as is 3 nights from now")I think 5 nights spread over 8 days is sufficient. And you get to eat latkes only once. So you better get it right, whether you like a hot batch of the potato-with-onion-with-flour-and-oil-I-grated-by-hand-oy-my-hands-are-so-tired-with sour cream-on-top kind, or the sweet potato-edamame-zuchinni-beluga caviar-on-top-look-what-I-did-with-my-fancy shmancy-food processor kind.

And no, I don't get bladder infections any more since I started drinking 3 glasses of cranberry juice a day. I'm diabetic now but that was a small price to pay.