Brother, Can You Spare A Facebook Fan?

Oh God, I am so full I wanna barf.

No, I take that back; the thought of barfing makes me, well, not want to barf. Whew, good, I'm not bulimic. It's so great to cross shit like that off my list. Not bulemic: check. More therapy time to talk about the rest of me.

I'm just so fucking full. 

I hope none of you are so poor that you don't have enough to eat because you are not going to think this post is funny, or even nice. It's not a post I would share with, say, the homeless guy with the sign at the freeway exit. He'd be all, "hey, can you spare a dollar?" and I'd be all, "I totally would -I just went to the bank, in fact - but I ate a humongous felafel with a side of extra pita and hummus a few hours ago and I can't bend over to reach my purse on the floor 'cause my stomach is too full. Don't you just hate when that happens?"

That would be insensitive. Even for me.

I considered not even writing about this for fear of offending poor hungry people. I thought about writing a post on ending hunger in the world.

But I'm just too full think about hunger. Maybe I can write something meaningful for people who are suffering from being full. Maybe tomorrow. Plus, I am still trying to play the "my husband has cancer" card which should give me carte blanche to be insensitive to poor and hungry people.

It's been a real clusterfuck, as you know. Last you heard from me, I was flashing truckers from a hotel window. Where does one go from there?

To the refrigerator. Duh.

You'd think that having Robin home with all his tubes and drains and shit would put a small dent in my appetite. Turns out, happily, I am made of sterner stuff than that. In fact, last night while we were draining his neck tube, I ate a perfect Braeburn apple and two cinnamon rugelech. Didn't miss a beat.

Not eating, evidently, isn't my go-to response to crisis. The last time I can remember being so distraught as to actually lose my appetite was when I discovered that my Facebook Fan page had dropped from 153 to 152 fans and my friend Claire LaZebnik Writes had, like, 300 fans. That was a horrible, dark time in my life. Fortunately, my friend Irene double-friended me by using her middle and maiden names the second time around, which brought my numbers back up and I was able to live life again.

I had been planning on losing some weight during Robin's ten-hour surgery last week since, really, what kind of a wife thinks about what she wants in her foot-long Subway turkey on honey oat while her husband's neck is being sliced open in the O.R.? (no mayo, no cheese, all the veggies sans jalapenos, oil and vinegar). In fact, in the bag I packed for myself (in case I didn't go home. In case I slept at the hotel across the street with my mom and sister. In case I stood at the hotel window at midnight and lifted up my pajama top to flash truckers), I even put a pair of pants that have been too tight on me, so sure was I that I'd emerge from the week of Robin's hospitalization down a few pounds.

Not even half a pound. Robin lost 8 pounds. He has all the luck. AND, I bet he'll even lose more weight when he starts with the radioactive meds. FML.

 

Really. FML.

Pass the rugelech.

 

 

Comments

[Janet]

Dammit, he DOES have all the luck!

[Janet]

Also, I just saw that today is National Nacho day and I think I need to celebrate.

[Claudia]

Can't stop laughing about "Robin lost 8 pounds. He has all the luck."
Thank God I can still laugh without needing a Serenity Pad.

[IreneDawnDavenport]

Isn't there a saying for this?.."Feed the cancer patient's concerned spouse, starve the cancer patient." I've always been one who looks at any disease or illness as a glass half full..resultant weight loss makes it all worthwhile. Did you get the Swine flu?.."Yes, but I lost 20 pounds."

[Colin Summers]

I think you're making a big mistake here. I've thought about it some. Looked at the options. I hope you HAD options. It's the chocolate rugelech you want, not the cinnamon.

I feel disaster can be averted next time.

[Dr. Strangemom]

Uh Colin, ix-nay on the innamon-cay uggelech-ray. Your ister-say ent-say em-they oo-tay ee-may.

[Madge]

I assume this is still a flashback or are we in current time. Did Robin just have 10 hours of surgery and I didn't understand what date and time this happened or it is in real time. Either way I hope he is doing fine and fully recovered if in the past and if in real time he still is okay and recovering. Please let me know.

[Madge]

Okay I went back and I think I thought it was past tense because you mentioned 1957 but now I realize this could be happening now. Please advise. I would hate to think he is having surgery now and I didn't comment and wish him well. My bad.

[Katherine]

Wishing Robin a speedy recovery.

[Emily]

In your case, FML stands for "Feed me lunch!"