Young Kippers.

Uh oh. It's just around the corner.

If you're Jewish, you know what I am talking about.

The Big Day. The day of Atonement. Yom Kippur. Or, as we all used it call it when Jewish life was solely phonetic, Young Kipper. Which was very confusing to me as a kid because aren't kippers a kind of fish, like a herring or something? You know all that shit you hear as a child that just becomes part of what you know but you have no real understanding of it at all? Kinda like how I feel now about how electricity works. Or why toilets flush backwards in Australia. Or tantric sex. Or how people can think that Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin talking about doing a television show together is not the ninth sign of the Apocalypse.

We have only until next Saturday, Jews, to make amends with everyone we fucked over before, as the liturgy says, the gates close on this year and all the shit we did remains on our permanent records. You gotta love a religion that gives you ten days each year to expunge your transgressions. In fact, the liturgy in the hours leading up to The Big Moment (which will be at, in case you have shit for which to atone, approximately 5:30 this coming Saturday evening) have lots of warnings that the gates are about to close.

Personally, I find all the warnings a bit desperate and not befitting a God who, supposedly, can smite us with one hand. It's like a big "I'm going to count to three....one...two..." from God.  Which, honestly, as ever parent knows, is just a pathetic ploy that ultimately proves we are too chickenshit to go right to the consequence. Or, that we really don't have a consequence in mind and we are stalling, hoping to not have to show our cards.

But, God has smiting as a consequence. S/He doesn't have to resort to, "...two...two and a half.....two and three quarters..."  I mean, fuuuuck, if we parents had smiting as an option, I bet we'd be way more judicious with our meaningless, token threats. You may not watch "The Backyardigans" for two whole days kinda pales with your name shall be nevermore for twelve generations and more.

Me, I've never responded well to threats. Partly because I walk around with an internal nanny cam, always living my life as though I am on one of those faux news "What Would YOU Do?" specials that put people in all sorts of tempting situations and film them as they lie, steal and dry hump the drunk girl before John Quinones busts in. So the threat thing doesn't come up a lot in my personal life.

But I have used threats in my parenting life. Never successfully, of course, but that never stopped me.

I was going to tell you a story about when Robin failed miserably at using threats with the kids, but I think I am going to hold off on that one. Robin is still smarting from the last thing I posted about when he pledged his allegiance to the half-wit nurse midwife instead of to me during labor with our second kid, and he really wants me to let everyone know that HE was the one who discovered that she had wrongly connected the contraction belt with the baby heartbeat belt.

Okay. Yes, he was the one who discovered it. He was also the one who, after discovering it, still continued to believe that I was making up the shit about the baby coming NOW, and it wasn't until I took the nurse/midwife's neck skin (she was young and fit and there wasn't a lot of give in her neck but I managed to get enough) in my pinched fingers, shoved her head almost halfway into my crotch and hissed, "read my lips - this baby is coming out NOW" that Robin switched teams and went full-tilt cheerleader for Team "The Woman Who Is Actually Birthing The Baby And Who Probably Knows Better When Her Innards Have Opened Up To The Size Of A Prius Than The Two Other People In The Room Who Do Not Have Babies Coming Out Of Them".

But I digress.

No, wait, I don't.

This is about atonement, and I suppose the season calls to me to let go of that particular transgression on Robin's part. Maybe this is about me, my unwillingness to let go of old shit (I mean, the baby is going to be 24 years old next month) and accept that the most of the rest of the 30 years Robin and I have been married have been pretty good.

Yup. I am going to atone for holding on to that story that puts Robin in an unfavorable light. I think I am finally ready to let go it.

Now that it's in writing. On the blog. Forever in cyberspace. Nevermore to be forgotten. For twelve generations and more.

Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

[yochi]

now that's the way we do it....

yochi

[Madge]

I live like you and don't even acknowledge the holidays other than breaking a fast I am not on or eating meals with relatives that I like.

[IreneDawnDavenport]

Love everything this woman thinks/writes/says..posting this link on my page so I can share!

[VictoryLane]

I can't remember how I stumbled upon your blog a few months ago... I think it was a connection from my friend Carly.. but what you write.. I love. Love, love, love. Hilarious.

Thanks for the smile.

[John Doe]

Doesn't the request for forgiveness need to be answered affirmatively?

Just saying........

[Amy]

Funny!