Just Do It

Going away without the kids?
Don't forget to have a fight!

Husbands and wives need many of the same things when the kids are young – a break, a nice buzz, the right to poop with the bathroom door closed, and a partner who will share the family vision. But there are many other things that husbands and wives also need that are not the same, and that can cause a lot of tension around the house.

I offer as a clue the private fantasies each has for a weekend away without the kids. Dad packs a toothbrush and condoms, and maybe not even the toothbrush. Mom packs a toothbrush, floss, razor (“I can finally have time to shave my legs without the kids bugging me!”), green clay facial mask, seven magazines, two novels and a brand new pair of flannel jammies. Mom falls asleep in the elevator up to their room.

The requisite fight usually ensues within the first few hours of the vacation. There are just so many buried hopes and expectations coming to the surface that have only 48 hours to be realized before the carriage turns back into a pumpkin.

Which is why my rule is to have sex immediately upon hotel check-in. Immediately. Right there in the lobby, if need be. And with whomever happens to be closest to me at the moment.

Ho ho, a little bit of Catskill humor. My ancestors occasionally take over my writing.

Don't tell me that you aren't horny as soon as you check into the hotel. Don't tell me you need to be romanced first. Please. You aren't going to be horny later, either. Horny comes back when the kids move out. Or when you realize you probably can't snag a better/richer/more hygenic/hotter/less farting man; the drool leaking from your bite guard as you sleep, dripping down your not-so-perky-anymore boobs, to your unshaven legs is probably not going to land you your trophy husband. And even if you do land him, he probably isn't going to laugh at your jokes or love your stretch marks. He is probably going to turn out to be an asshole.

And the man you first pledged your life to, the man with whom you made the kids, starts to look pretty good. That's when horny comes back.

So, in the meantime, during the first-ever weekend away from the kids, just do it. I promise you, it won't be half bad, even if you weren't into it at the beginning. And an hour later (or ten minutes later), you both will ride that afterglow all the way to Sunday night. And maybe for a few weeks after that.

It's worked for me. Sex with Robin as soon as we get to the hotel. I strongly suggest you give it a try.

I'm sure Robin won't mind.