..Don't major in Ethnomusicology of Bulgaria
...Get a bra that fits
...That's not funny; it's hostile
...It turns people off when you use that language
...Don't even joke about that. People died in the Holocaust. Your own family died in
the Holocaust.
...Um, those low-rise jeans on you? Not so much.
...It could use salt
...It's too salty
...If you continue to talk to your husband like that, he's going to find a woman who
won't insult him
...Your kids could use a spanking
...Your kids could use a time-out
...You are too strict with those kids
...You are going to be sorry you did that
...You are going to regret not doing that
...Nobody is going to want to read a blog about this
...You are kind of a dork
...Everyone thinks you are a whore
...Please. Get a bra that fits already. I'll pay
...No one is going to play with you if you act that way
...That boy is no good for you
...Get a teaching degree
I bet if I could show you an animated heat-activated cross section of the brain, it would prove that when anyone tells us something that begins with, "I'm telling you this for your own good...." the entire part of the brain that deals with open-mindedness completely shuts down. And goes into "fuck you and the horse you rode in on" mode. And makes a mental note to pick up cigarettes even though you quit smoking fourteen years ago.
And yet, and yet, and yet....we say it to our kids all the time. We couch it in parenting-speak but it's the same message. Listen to me, we say in different ways, I know best. I know how to help you be your best self. You are pretty much an open-sored loser without my guidance. I love you!
I was doing field research recently (waiting for my sesame-with-lowfat,plain-schmear at Noah's) and heard the following conversation between a mom and her five year old:
Mom: If you keep picking you nose, no one is going to want to be your friend.
Nose Picker: That's not true. I have lots of friends. (Picks her nose)
Mom: But they are not going to want to stay friends with you.
NP: Un-uh. They have been my friends since preschool. (Dangles booger
dangerously close to mouth)
Mom: Well, it's disgusting. (Mom makes a face and exposes poppy seeds in her
teeth.)
NP: It is NOT disgusting!
Mom: How would you like it if one of your friends picked HER nose in front of
you?
NP: I would LIKE it!!!!! I WOULD LIKE IT! If you tell me not to pick my nose,
I am going to pick it all day!
Now, THAT is dinner theater that teaches as well as entertains. It was all I could do not to applaud.
...Get a bra that fits
...That's not funny; it's hostile
...It turns people off when you use that language
...Don't even joke about that. People died in the Holocaust. Your own family died in
the Holocaust.
...Um, those low-rise jeans on you? Not so much.
...It could use salt
...It's too salty
...If you continue to talk to your husband like that, he's going to find a woman who
won't insult him
...Your kids could use a spanking
...Your kids could use a time-out
...You are too strict with those kids
...You are going to be sorry you did that
...You are going to regret not doing that
...Nobody is going to want to read a blog about this
...You are kind of a dork
...Everyone thinks you are a whore
...Please. Get a bra that fits already. I'll pay
...No one is going to play with you if you act that way
...That boy is no good for you
...Get a teaching degree
I bet if I could show you an animated heat-activated cross section of the brain, it would prove that when anyone tells us something that begins with, "I'm telling you this for your own good...." the entire part of the brain that deals with open-mindedness completely shuts down. And goes into "fuck you and the horse you rode in on" mode. And makes a mental note to pick up cigarettes even though you quit smoking fourteen years ago.
And yet, and yet, and yet....we say it to our kids all the time. We couch it in parenting-speak but it's the same message. Listen to me, we say in different ways, I know best. I know how to help you be your best self. You are pretty much an open-sored loser without my guidance. I love you!
I was doing field research recently (waiting for my sesame-with-lowfat,plain-schmear at Noah's) and heard the following conversation between a mom and her five year old:
Mom: If you keep picking you nose, no one is going to want to be your friend.
Nose Picker: That's not true. I have lots of friends. (Picks her nose)
Mom: But they are not going to want to stay friends with you.
NP: Un-uh. They have been my friends since preschool. (Dangles booger
dangerously close to mouth)
Mom: Well, it's disgusting. (Mom makes a face and exposes poppy seeds in her
teeth.)
NP: It is NOT disgusting!
Mom: How would you like it if one of your friends picked HER nose in front of
you?
NP: I would LIKE it!!!!! I WOULD LIKE IT! If you tell me not to pick my nose,
I am going to pick it all day!
Now, THAT is dinner theater that teaches as well as entertains. It was all I could do not to applaud.
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If i had time to read these blog entries I would no doubt find them hilarious!
Posted by: [email protected] | 11/12/2009 at 08:55 PM
will you marry me Anne Ruth Brown???
(sorry, Robin) Well I'll marry you too. (sorry, Anne)
I never read a blog before. Are they always this funny??
Posted by: susie amy | 11/12/2009 at 10:22 PM
These are great. I love the ninja turtle story. Thanks for sharing these with me. I guess I have a few of my own to think about. Great idea to write these stories down.
Posted by: Masha Sanders | 11/12/2009 at 11:38 PM
Look, I'm telling you this for your own good. If you keep blogging like this, everyone will think you're smart and funny. We'll sign up for your feed and eagerly await the next installment. How will you avoid being your best self then?
Posted by: hollyburton | 11/13/2009 at 12:39 AM
Well its 4:00 am and I'm laughing out loud at your hilariously funny slant on life. Could it be that some of those comments hit a bit too close to home? Well, I'll at least make a mental note to sign up for one of those free bra fittings next time around and even give my hubby an extra hug and a few words of appreciation today. Glad to see your writing again, Ann!!!
Posted by: Doris Huttula | 11/13/2009 at 04:11 AM
Hi Ann,
I know how you feel about praise, so just let me say this is a hilarious blog, I love it and you are the best ever blog writer in the history of blog writing! Hehe, keep um coming!
Melinda
Posted by: Melinda Guice | 11/13/2009 at 11:50 AM
"Everyone thinks you are a whore" Must discuss this with you next time I run into you at Safeway. Hmmmm.
Holly Burton, right on sister!
Also, I like that Gary S took the time to write that he doesn't have the time to read....WTF?
Posted by: Smartass Michelle | 11/14/2009 at 08:41 AM
It's been a long time since I've had the pleasure of reading your writing. so glad I get to enjoy this again. I will pass on the link to friends.
Posted by: diane | 11/14/2009 at 09:33 AM
my story: at the age of seven or so, while in a grocery store, i took some candy. i was eating the fruits of my ill gotten gain when my mom came upon me (remember when the days when an adult would let their kid out of their sight?), so i offered her some. my mother asked me where i had gotten the candy, and i point blank lied and told her i found it. she marched me right up to the manager and told him what had happened - i suppose she expected him to give me a stern lecture. instead, i offered him some candy, so he ruffled my hair and told me to take another one because i was "cute". my lesson learned: work with what you got.
Posted by: yochi | 11/14/2009 at 11:03 AM
It's true. I wouldn't have listened if somebody had told me not to major in Ethnomusicology of Bulgaria. So I did. And then as soon as I graduated, reality hit and I decided I probably needed to start over and go to Nursing School. But I couldn't afford it, so I got a job at a deli. I should have at least looked at the menu before taking the job though, because they didn't even serve any hummus.
Posted by: hoan | 11/14/2009 at 10:10 PM