1. Calories; if you eat the food on an airplane. The higher the altitude, the less the calories. I've done the math. Well, not so much done the math as wished this were true.
2. Keeping the change not owed you if you are shopping in a chain store owned by The Man. Or if you really need the change because you are thirsty and an iced tea at Starbucks is $2.30. Starbucks isn't The Man. Starbucks is kinda The Man's fairly decent second cousin. Who won't unionize.
3. Sex at summer camp. You always come home from summer camp revirginized no matter how many pine needles you have stuck in your underpants. Also, sex under the influence of an entire carton of Cherry Garcia doesn't count. That's just a necessary burning of the calories.
4. Lying. Lying burns more calories than telling the truth, so really, it's for your health. Oh wait. Look at me. Never mind.
5. Eating the cream cheese directly from your finger while taking a bite from a bagel. It only counts if the cream cheese touches the knife.
6. Sex after a funeral. Unless it's the funeral of the person you are having sex with.
7. Turning off the lights, hiding behind the couch and pretending to not be home when friends come to visit. It's okay to do that. Unless you specifically invited them over. In which case, you will have deny ever having invited them (see #4). If you have young children witnessing this, explain to them that sometimes you have to set someone free to make room for other friends. You know, attractive ones. With beach houses.
8. Faking an orgasm because you feel a hip cramp coming on if you stay in that position another minute.
9. Faking a hip cramp coming on.
10. Faking an orgasm during phone sex. Does anyone not fake that? Me, I don't know; I've never had phone sex. I hate talking on the phone even during normal circumstances. Although once when my friend David Besbris was on the phone and he was describing the glaze he made for the BBQ chicken, I kinda felt light-headed for a few seconds and imagined him naked, with an apricot chipotle glaze all over his (boneless, skinless) thighs.
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Too funny. Love your humor.
Posted by: Madge | 11/22/2010 at 06:12 PM
We snipped you again, funny lady: http://bit.ly/gVaFVT Too hip you are.
Posted by: hippest snippets | 11/23/2010 at 04:00 PM
#7 is killing me. Beach houses ARE a must.
Posted by: VictoryLane | 11/23/2010 at 09:20 PM
omg this is freaking hilarious.
Posted by: Bucket Trucks | 11/24/2010 at 08:45 AM
That is just a great post, I liked very much to go through it.
Posted by: True Religion Outlet | 03/28/2011 at 11:38 PM