As I approach my 63rd birthday, I feel a need to account for the passing time.
But I am coming up blank.
It is concerning, and not just a little bit mortifying, I must say. I mean, sixty-three years. You'd think I'd have more to show for it than a blog about myself, five pairs of Dansko clogs, and a new cluster of liver spots on my chest that rivals Gorbachov's head.
I should have kept a diary. Although if family photos from 1954 to 1957 are any credible indication, my first major accomplishments were smiling at food, pretending to play the piano, and picking my nose until it bled.
So, with time and North Korea's missiles nipping at my heels, I have decided to pay closer attention to what I do with my time. And then I will extrapolate my data. And then I will know if my visit here on Earth has been worth the time I've spent looking for a parking spot at Trader Joe's.
Adjusting for illness, napping, embarrassing memories I've blocked out, tweezing, weekends I've blacked out, revisionist history to paint myself in a more favorable light, outright lies, embellishments, Quaaludes, and global warming, I am looking at, roughly, forty-six years I've had available for accomplishing something. Anything.
At this point I'd like to mention that I have a nervous stomach and in the interest of factual data, I have also spent a lot of time in the bathroom. So there's that.
But now. It's time to see where my time has gone.
How I've Spent My Life So Far:
1954 - 2015
Getting born, learning cursive, seeing a live taping of "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" (where Laura gets her toe stuck in the bathtub spigot), henna-ing my hair, getting married, raising kids, standing in line at the ATM, waiting all day for the mail on a national holiday, worrying about death and going through menopause.
Looking for my reading glasses.
2016 - 2017
Reeling from the election.
Opening the back door for Louie, letting Louie back in the house.
And there you have it.
Oh wait! Daily phone calls to my legislators since January. How can I forget that? Dedication to subvert the current dominant political paradigm. Resolving to fight to restore the Constitution from the money-grubbing, freedom-fearing, warmongering theocratics who are shitting on it.
Okay, never mind. I'm good.